


The Stars Keep On Calling My Name

by lostdiadem



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Mild Smut, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Alternating, POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, POV Third Person, Pining, Requited Love, The Marauder's Map, Young James Potter, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:27:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22603945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostdiadem/pseuds/lostdiadem
Summary: Remus Lupin is a 17 year old Welsh skater boy who has just moved to a dingy flat at the edge of London with his mum after his parents’ messy divorce. He arrives at his new sixth form at the beginning of year 13 to meet a group of friends called The Marauders. Little does he know he’s about to be dragged on a roller coaster of emotions by a punk with stormy eyes.(check lostdiadem1 on tumblr for updates)
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 22
Kudos: 78





	1. bird songs

_“Yeah I'm forever late  
And when I die I'll get turned away from heaven's gate  
And there'll be hell to pay  
They're like, 'Yo, you were supposed to be here yesterday'  
And I'm like, 'Sorry I didn't fucking die sooner,”_

_Rizzle Kicks ‘Always Late’_

**Remus POV**

“Remus love, get up already! You’ll miss your first day!” Hope shouted from their dingy living room.

Remus groaned into his pillow, pushing another one over the top of his head. Was he trying to suffocate himself, or trying to drown out the obnoxious roars of the hoover at this _ungodly_ hour? It was undecided at this point really, he didn’t care what happened other than the fact he simply refused to get out of bed. 

“REMUS!” His mother bellowed, this time sounding a lot more mutinous without her soft, motherly twinge. 

Resigning to his fate, Remus lifted his hand up to mime an obscene gesture at where he presumed his new bedroom doorway was. He lifted the pillow from his head, his hair static from the friction of the cotton. Reluctantly rolling over to turn on his phone, he noticed the time was 8:13am, and school started at 8:45. He was probably going to be late, no, most definitely going to be late if he didn’t get his arse up now.

Feeling miserable with early morning malice, he rolled out of his thin quilt, the brittle metal bed squeaking with strain as he did. His foggy mind began to clear. He stretched his skinny arms over his head, glancing at the many moving boxes scattered randomly around his ‘bedroom’. Sighing, he lifted himself to his feet and made a blind grab for one of the boxes labelled ‘Remus clothes’. He pulled out a pair of black skinny jeans, a random t-shirt (which he smelled first, just to be sure), a green and navy flannel shirt and a odd pair of socks which he felt at the bottom of the box. He looked at them, shrugged and threw them in a heap at the end of his bed before dressing. Pulling the graphic t-shirt over his head, he muttered obscenities about hoovers and stupid waking hours.

He shuffled out of his bedroom towards the ridiculously small bathroom. His mother had stopped hoovering- much to Remus’ relief - and was now making a cup of tea on the kitchen side. The offensive 70s tribute bathroom was filled from floor to ceiling with disgustingly ostentatious mosaic tiles that made Remus want to vomit. The wash basin, bath and toilet were a foul pale green colour which clashed horribly with the orange wall decor. Staring into the mirror, he tugged at his lip ring before turning on the tap to brush his teeth. 

His tawny hair was mused with sleep. It was cut short on the sides and long on the top, his fringe coming down to just cover his eyes. He furrowed his eyebrows. He glared at his appearance, his toothbrush hanging out of his minty-froth filled mouth. Whilst he was running his fingers through his hair trying to make it look presentable, a dollop of gloopy toothpaste fell from his lips and onto his t shirt. 

“For fuck sake,” He muttered, before spitting into the porcelain sink. He pulled the tee away from his chest and began trying to wipe away the stain, only succeeding in smearing it. _Great_ he thought, _just fabulous. No one will want to talk to toothpaste boy will they_?

He stalked out of the bathroom and made his way across the studio flat. Hope was now leaning against the kitchen side, a mug of tea clasped between her palms at her lips. Remus thought she looked like home in her grey fluffy dressing-gown, despite the fact they were miles away from their beloved cottage. No matter where they were, wherever she was, Remus would always associate his mother with sense of love and family. She raised her eyebrow from behind her cup and eyed Remus who was now trying to pick toast out the toaster hastily without burning his fingers. Glancing at her briefly, he managed to pinch the toast between his fingers and draw it out. “ _What?_ ” He asked between mouthfuls of toast. Crumbs fell to the floor as he practically inhaled it without buttering said food.

”Nothing” Hope said before taking a sip of her milky tea. He looked at her incredulously and she batted him round the back of his head, “On with you now” She demanded playfully as he muttered a brief ‘ _ow_ ’, rubbing the back on his head. Remus dipped down to place a quick kiss to his mum’s cheek before darting towards the door, picking his bag up from beside it and swinging it over his shoulders. No matter how many middle fingers behind her back and the countless eye rolls, Remus was forever a mummy’s boy.

“Wait! You almost forgot!” Hope shouted from behind him. Remus turned around on the balls of his feet where he’d been tying up his Vans as a blur of maroon came pelting towards him. He managed to grab it in time with nimble fingers.

”Thanks mum” He smiled, shoving the beanie on his head.

”Have a nice day baby” She said, smiling back.

“I’ll try not to have too much fun”

With that, Remus picked up his board that was propped against the yellowing wall and stepped out the door.

* * *

The ride to Remus’ new sixth form was peaceful. Remus and his mum had moved to the edge of the city near to the closest college so he could skate there. Hope always considered Remus in every decision she made, which made Remus love her even more than he already did. Constantly selfless, always wanting the best for her only son. 

Remus pushed his left foot on the pavement, leaning to the left so he turned a soft corner. 

The weather was mild, the ghost of August still lingering in the pre-autumn air. Greens leaves clung onto the trees like the last hopes of sunshine, before it dissipated into cloudy skies. The leaves withered to the ground as they joined the rest of the fallen. The soft hum of song birds permeated through atmosphere and suddenly, Remus felt incredibly lonely. 

Only if it was that easy to find someone. To sing a intricately beautiful melody powered by the desire to feel needed by someone. A sense of belonging. Belonging to someone, _anyone_. Remus craved affection once, and now the whole thing seemed mundane to him. Remus knew he didn’t believe in anything remotely romantic these days. The fantasy dying with his parent’s failed marriage (but he didn’t like to think about that, it made him angry). Maybe there was the caveman instinct to want to be cared for, knowing someone will go looking for you when you don’t return to your secluded cave. It’s all human nature, nothing romantic or sensual about it. His realisation of his own isolation hit him like the rushing wind stinging his eyes.

Remus knew he could ponder all day, turning corners and weaving through the streets like how a Roman matrona weaves her husband’s garments. He knew that he’d eventually have to walk into into the college entrance he now stood staring at.

Distantly, a bell could be heard ringing indicating the beginning of first period. Remus took a deep breath, tilting his head back to stare at the towering structure that he’d be spending at least 6 hours a day at for the next year. It was a fairly old building, radiating aristocratic, Victorian, modern societal architecture. It had 3 floors with arching thin paned windows around every 2 meters. The college said it was prized for its speciality in humanities and the social sciences (perfect for Remus), which accurately reflected it’s exterior. 

Remus gulped, gathering all his courage and placing his best ‘ _I don’t give a shit_ ’ expression upon his freckled face. He scrunched up his nose, screwing his eyes shut to squeeze out any indication that he was nervous. He opened them again to find a blonde girl with light blue eyes peering at him. Her hair was in a loose pony tail at the back of her head, small wisps of dirty blonde waving in the gentle wind. Her skin was a soft ivory. She wore a oversized green jumper that reached her knees with some American university printed across it, which Remus didn’t recognise. She quirked her head to the side.

”Newbie, huh?” She asked. _Oh god_ Remus thought, _I’ve not even started lesson yet and I’m already having to talk to people._

“Um, yeah kinda” He said, like the complete idiot he was.

”Kinda? How can you be _kinda_ new?” 

Remus glanced around desperately, looking for the nearest surface to bash his head against. _Loserloserloserloser._

She must have seen his thoughts written all over his face, because she added, “I was kidding mate,” She looked at his skateboard that he was now holding horizontally in his hand, “you skate?”

”No, I carry it around to make me look cool.” 

She snorted, “Funny one are you? I’m Marlene by the way, upper sixth.” 

“Remus.”

”Well Remus,” Marlene started, “Don’t want to be late for first period, do we?”

”Um, no. I suppose not.” He fished his phone out his pocket, he was definitely late now. “Hey, erm, Marlene? Do you know how to get to W129?” He asked, glancing up to see her strolling towards the large oak doors underneath a sign that read ‘ _Hogwarts Comprehensive and Sixth Form College_ ’

“There’s signs! Find it yourself!” She yelled over her shoulder before disappeared down the corridor to the right. 

Walking through the doorway, Remus caught the smell of cool stone of the ancient building and the faintest trace of _Lynx Africa_. An interesting contrast. He shared a school with raving teenagers in England, what other aftershave would they wear?

He peered around the corner Marlene had vanished down. A map was screwed to the wall in thick plastic, looking out of place on the browning interior. Squinting, he tried to find the room labelled W129 like he’d asked Marlene. Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful. He saw a sign further down the corridor labelled ‘ _West Block_ ’ pointing to the left.

He sighed, and began dragging his feet along the wooden floorboards. It was going to be a long first day.

* * *

When he finally made it to his Philosophy class, everyone was already making notes, head bowed over their desks. Checking the room name again, and then once more just to make sure, Remus turned the door nob to be greeted by a dozen turned heads. 

Remus reinstated his ‘ _I don’t give a shit_ ’ expression and walked over to the back of the class where an empty desk was. The tutor glanced in his direction, not even realising he’d never seen this kid before in his life, and carried on ranting about some random concept that Remus vaguely had a grasp on. Everyone turned their heads back to their notes now, not really caring either there was a new student. 

Sagging his shoulders in relief, he reached down to pull out his new Philosophy text book from his bag along with a beat up leather notebook. He lay his skateboard under the desk, resting his feet on it. He placed his elbows on the desk, his chin resting on his palms.

Remus allowed his mind to wander again. He thought about his cottage back in Wales, his mother’s chrysanthemums lining the cobbled path up to their doorway. They were almost as beautiful as her. They grew in clusters of pink and yellow and orange, little universes separated by the occasional dandelion. They laced up and down the front garden, shooting up too high from the ground to looked tamed. 

When you opened the door, the aroma of shortbread would hit you instantly. He’d come home after skating back from his high school down the lane and Hope would be humming something by Frank Sinatra. She would smile when she saw him, make her way across the kitchen and plant a kiss to his cold forehead. His dad would always come home from work an hour later, and he’d grunt when he saw Remus. Sometimes he wondered what he ever did to-

“Mr. Black could you please refrain from providing us with your unnecessary comments?” The tutor said, his voice strained with suppressed rage.

”Sorry Horace, you know me.” There was then a montage of giggles from across the room. Remus looked away from the window to see a group of girls whispered to each other, huddled around a table. Their makeup was layered thick on their St. Tropez _ultra dark_ skin. They fluttered their clumpy eyelashes and puckered their over-lined lips. Simultaneously, they flicked their hair extensions causing their large hoop earrings to rattle in unison. Remus quite literally wanted to hammer blunt nails into his retinas.

He moves his gaze over to the cause of the commotion and felt himself want to do said action even more. 

A tanned, long haired boy sat with one ankle resting on his knee, his arms crossed over his stomach. He wore the most hideous studded leather jacket Remus thought he’d ever seen. It was covered in various patches ranging from the _Sex Pistols_ to _Queen_. He wore drainpipe jeans littered with rips and holes with large black Dr Martens. Tucking his hair behind his ear, Remus also noticed his right ear had helix piercing lined up the cartilage. He flashed a smirk in the direction of the girls and winked. Remus made a retching noise from the back of the room.

Not realising what he’d done until it was too late, his face turned into an unpleasant shade of tomato-red, and the boy in question turned his head to see a rather embarrassed Remus. ‘Mr. Black’ (he assumed that was him) looked at him with a blank expression with glassy-eyes for a second, but it ended as soon as it began. He sent a toothy grin, flashing his pearly teeth before swivelling back round in his chair to face the front of the classroom. Remus could feel the daggers being glared into the side of his head by the Primark mannequins, and he pulled his beanie down to cover his face.

The rest of the lesson seemed to fly by fast, and before Remus knew it he was packing up his books and walking to his History class. 

Somehow, as if some divine power had blessed him, Remus found the classroom with minimal confusion, and was quickly sitting in a similar position he was last lesson. That was, until, a dark-red headed girl slipped into the seat next to him. Remus stiffened. He hadn’t been expecting anyone to sit in the surrounding tables, let alone the chair _next_ to him. 

Feeling slightly mortified, he shuffled his chair to the left. He wanted to give this girl as much space she needed. She had obviously ran out of options for places to sit, and was forced to place herself next to the new kid. Rolling his board under the desk with his feet, he really wished he hadn’t got out of bed that morning. The muffled rolling sound caused the girl to glance underneath the table, and then send Remus a questioning look. He turned to face her and sent her a weak smile. 

“You’re the new kid Marlene was talking about?” Due to her fiery hair, her skin was pale like her friend’s, but littered in freckles like the footsteps of a fairy. She had deep emerald green eyes that felt overly intrusive, and kind of scary. Smiling softly, she tucked her hair behind her ears. “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else,” She gestured towards his hair, “You kind of looked like Angela who I normally sit next to. She has similar hair to you, but a bit lighter maybe. Same height too. Maybe you’re distantly related, who knows?” 

Remus tried to ignore the fact he’d been mistaken for a _girl_ , and decided it was his turn to ask questions as she was talking _way_ too much.

“Well I’m glad to inform you that I’m not of the female species and my name isn’t Angela, either. It’s Remus by the way, you?”

”Lily. Marlene told me your face looked permanently constipated when she met you this morning.” She titled her head, “But I don’t see it, you look more sad than anything. Are you sad? Maybe it’s because you were sat by yourself. Lonely possibly?”

_Jesus christ this girl can talk for England_. 

“Um, no? I hope not anyway?” Did he really look constipated all the time? Why hadn’t anyone told him before now?

Lily gave a small sigh and turned to face the front again, lining up her pastel Stabilo highlighters perfectly. It actually made Remus feel slightly pitiful, clearly she didn’t have many people to talk to. Or maybe he was assuming too much, he was just glad it wasn’t one of the foundation atrocities from last lesson. 

She pulled at the sleeves of her white cardigan that was over her floral smock dress. Clearly, she was trying to think of a conversation starter.

“I notice an accent, where are you from?” She questioned, now smoothing over the pleats in the skirt.

”Oh, actually I’m from-“

There was a loud crash and the classroom door flung open, colliding loudly with the wall. In walked a tall, frizzy grey haired man wearing a brown corduroy blazer and cream trousers. He had large watery eyes and a frantic grin on his face. _Yep, he definitely regretted getting out of bed._

”Welcome year 13 to your new History class! My name is Christopher, but you can call me Chris or Topher, which ever you prefer.” There was an embarrassing silence. “Right! Get ready to put your thinking-caps on!” He looked insane, Remus thought to himself. Chris (apparently also known as Topher) gestured to the class to place their ‘thinking-caps’ on. Groaning, the students picked up their imaginary hats and placed them on their heads.

”Excellent!” Today we’re beginning our new topic, The Cold War. If you’d turn to page 167 of your text book...” Remus stopped listening at that point, his thinking-cap clearly not working. He flopped his head down onto the cool wood of the desk and closed his eyes, feeling grateful for the lack of studs and leather suddenly.

”Remus?” Lily whispered after 30 minutes of Chris rambling about how his wife makes the best korma in all of Slough. Remus groaned and titled his head so his cheek was now pressed against the his arm. 

“Do I look constipated again or something?”

Lily chuckled and flicked her auburn locks over her shoulder, “No silly, I was going to ask if you wanted to join me and my friends at lunch next.” She cast him a sideways glance nervously, “I know you’re new because I’ve never seen you here before, so you mustn’t know many people, or anyone at all for that matter. I’ve guessed your Welsh from your accent by the way, it’s pretty actually.”

Remus was surprised this girl had _a_ friend, let alone plural. He smiled half-heartedly. What did he have to lose?

”Yeah, alright.”

* * *

Lily, as she promised, dragged Remus along with her after History to her friend’s picnic table by the bike sheds. He would’ve preferred to have gone to the library or skated home for the hour, but this would unfortunately have to do. 

As they approached, Remus felt the urge to run away as he saw a mass of black leather sitting on top of the table, legs man-spread and feet placed on the bench. _It’s that Black from Philosophy, the one I made the retching noise at! This is just my fucking luck._

Insides squirming uncomfortably, his board placed on his back between his backpack, he stood awkwardly as three faces stared up at him. 

One of the unfamiliar boys was dark skinned with messy afro hair that he probably used copious amounts of coconut oil on. He wore a colourful wind breaker over his t-shirt, accompanied with skinny dark denim jeans. His eyes were framed with circular lenses. It was also suddenly evident where the smell of _Lynx Africa_ was coming from. Lily said his name was James.

”Nice to meet you!” James said, springing to his feet. He was about an inch smaller than Remus. Holding out his hand, he plastered a goofy grin to his face.

”Hi?” Remus said, uncertain what this James’ problem was.

”And this is Peter, Remus.” Lily said, pointing to a podgy boy who was stuffing his face with a club sandwich. He had sandy blonde hair which was cut into a small fringe over his forehead to cover his acne. He wore a baggy hoodie with shorts that brushed his knees. 

“Pl’ssure is mine” He said through chunks of flying hearty Italian.

There was a deep ahem from where the leather-clad boy sat, and Lily rolled her eyes pointedly. “And this is Sirius, the wannabe bad boy.”

Black (now identified as being named Sirius) turned around to look at Remus. Stormy grey eyes met amber. Sirius’ thick dark eyebrows knitted together as if trying to remember something, but mumbled a small ‘hi’ before turning back around. Fumbling in his jacket pockets, he pulled out a cigarette packet and plucked out (strangely enough) a roll-up. He took his lighter and lit the end, puffing a few times then taking it between his calloused fingers. Remus wrung his hands, staring at Vans.

“Woah! Is that a skateboard?” James asked, his eyes wide with curiosity. Remus had never seen someone so annoyingly enthusiastic in his life. The only close-to-sane person in this friendship group was Sirius, and that was saying something. 

“Yeah it is” Remus responded, rubbing the back on his neck. 

“Mate that’s fucking sick.” James said in awe, “Can you really ride it? You know, do tricks ‘n’ stuff?” 

“Well yeah, I’m not just carrying it around with me for the sake of it.” For the second time today, Remus realised people just _assumed_ he couldn’t ride his skateboard. That he just carried it round with him. Maybe this school actually was full of morons. 

“You gotta teach me! Could you imagine me on a board? James Potter, football extraordinaire, chilling with Tony Hawk!” He chuckled, pushing his round glasses up the bridge of his nose.

”James mate, I don’t think you automatically become friends with Tony Hawk once you begin skateboarding.” Sirius’ deep voice said, puffing out a large cloud of cigarette smoke. Remus watched it cascade into the sky, dissolving into the now chilly afternoon. He felt his stomach give an aggressive rumble, and he realised he hadn’t eaten since that morning.

“What lesson have you got next Remus?” Lily asked, peering up at him.

”Oh um...” Remus fumbled with his timetable he took out his pocket, “I’m in Sociology, room W124 I think” 

“That’s settled then! Sirius, could you show Remus the way to Sociology?”

”What?” Remus asked, feeling his cheeks start to heat. He was regretting the retch even more now.

”Sirius takes Sociology too, you know!” Lily exclaimed, looking ridiculously excited for some reason. 

Sirius mumbled something incoherent and pushed himself off the table, butting out his cigarette. Picking up his backpack, he turned to stand in front of Remus, looking at him expectantly.

”Um, hi?” Remus tried, freaked out by the way Sirius’ eyes seemed to flicker over his face and then settling on his lip ring.

”Hi.” Sirius said again. He then turned on his heel and stalked in the direction of the main entrance. Remus walked quickly behind him until they were trotting side by side. 

“Sorry abo-“

”You have a nice accent.” Sirius butted in, not even letting Remus apologise for the way he acted in Philosophy, “It’s smooth.” he added after a moment of silence.

”Thanks, I guess...” Remus trailed off. Why was Sirius complementing him when Remus literally pretending to throw up at the sight of him?

The walked in uncomfortable silence until they reached W124. Sirius stopped outside the door and Remus did so too, wondering why he wasn’t stepping in.

“You have toothpaste on your top by the way.” Sirius said, glancing down at the stain on Remus’ t-shirt. 

“Yep.” Remus replies bluntly, licking his thumb and rubbing the stain vigorously.

Sirius then held the door open for Remus and he walked in. They both sat at opposite sides of the classroom and didn’t speak for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The British Slang  
> Hoover - vacuum cleaner  
> Tap- faucet  
> Dressing gown- a bath robe or as some call it, ‘house coat’  
> Sixth Form - the two final years at school for students between the ages of 16 and 18 who are preparing for A or AS levels.  
> A Comprehensive - relating to or denoting a system of secondary education in which children of all abilities from a particular area are educated in one school.  
> Lynx Africa - An aftershave many teenage boys use in the UK. Is associated or accompanied with the smell of bodily odour.  
> St. Tropez - A false tanning mouse used in the UK, shades can vary from light to ultra dark (the girls i’m describing are a shade of dark orange)  
> Primark - A clothes store in the UK, cheap high street fashion.  
> Stabilo - a brand of stationary  
> ‘thinking-caps’ - a metaphorical term often used by teachers to encourage students to participate in class.


	2. sunsets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Racism, mild abuse, drug use (only a bit of the marijuanas)

_“As long as I gaze on Waterloo Sunset, I am in paradise  
Every day I look at the world from my window  
Chilly chilly is the evening time, Waterloo sunset's fine”_

_The Kinks ‘Waterloo Sunset’._

**Sirius POV**

“Sirius Orion Black if you _DARE_ walk out that door-“

_SLAM!_

Sirius never liked his mother, or his father for that matter. He always seemed to burden them in some way, their existence punctuating his life with regular screeching. Sirius thought nothing could compare to the banshee cry that was Walburga Black’s fits of rage. Walking down the steps from his front door, he turned left in the direction of the nearest park.

It always went something a little like this: Sirius got in trouble (or what Walburga thought was _trouble_ ), she would scream and throw things at him, such as expensive ornaments bought from prestigious auctions, and then it ended with him storming out the door. He was used to the routine. It was insipid by now, so when he made his weekly trip down to the park after college, he thought nothing of it.

Scuffing his shoes, kicking pebbles on the tarmac, he kept his head high. No matter the punishment that would come out of this, he would not sacrifice his dignity because of the abuse inflicted on him. He was too proud, too stubborn. Sirius guessed that was _her_ fault, her side of the family was full of self-entitled bigots who funded racist groups such as the EDL. A shiver ran down his spine at the thought.

Sirius remembers the time he’d told his mum he was friends with James. They sat in their lounge, his mother reading the newspaper, Sirius sat on the floor with his crayons. He was around the age of nine if he remembers correctly. The soft lull of the radio could be heard coming from their mantel piece, sucking away the silence. It was there to fill the gaps; the gaps created by the lack of affection and missed embraces. Hollow walls surrounded them. Walburga scoffed unexpectedly and ruffled her newspaper, “More of those immigrants I see. Infecting our country with their deranged ways of life, who said they were _ever_ welcome here?” 

Sirius didn’t know who she was talking to, and he was the only one in the room. She must be addressing him, surely? Sirius had a vague idea of what the word immigrant meant, after James had described it to him, _“They came here from_ (Sirius didn’t remember the name, it was long and complicated) when _I was in mum’s tummy. They said you have better schools ‘n’ stuff and they love me, so...”_

“My best friend’s parents are immigrants” Sirius stated, colouring the fences on the house he was drawing red. Yes, he will talk about adult _things_ with his mum because he’s becoming a big boy. He can almost reach the top shelf of the pantry without the foot stool now, and if that wasn’t grown up enough, he didn’t know what was.

”They’re _WHAT?!_ ” His mother screeched. Sirius remembers flinching, bringing his knees up to his chest for protection. Walburga’s newspaper now lay abandoned on her knee. “MY SON, FRIENDS WITH CHILDREN OF FILTH?” Bolting up, the newspaper fell and she stomped across the lounge. He remembers her crushing his orange crayon as she strode, it smashing into the carpet. He went to reach out for it, but it was too late. She grabbed him by the front of his shirt, hauling him up so his toes barely touched the floor. 

“What’s the little prat’s name, hm?”

”J-J-James” He stared into his mother’s eyes, her pupils were pinpointed in disgust as the lightning flashes dangerously in the slate-cold gaze. _She_ was the one who was _actually_ deranged.

”You will never go near that child ever again. Do you hear me? I won’t have you associating with dirt.” Her nose was inches from his now. Flecks of spit spattered onto his face, her yellow teeth gnashing when she spoke. He could see the pores on her cheeks, he could count the ones on her chin. _One, two, three_ -

“HAVE YOU GONE DEAF?” She boomed, staring at him as one would look at dog shit on their shoe.

”Y-yes mother” Sirius stammered. Dropping him to the floor, his mother strode out of the room, leaving him lying abandoned on the lounge’s murky green carpet.

“And clean up your mess when you’re done sulking.” She called and he could hear the creak of their stairs. Laying there, he scrunched his face up as a single tear rolled down his cheek. He could still hear the soft hum of the radio. 

_“And so I wake in the morning  
And I step outside  
And I take a deep breath and I get real high  
And I scream from the top of my lungs  
What's going on?”_

At that moment, Sirius knew he’d do everything to fight the diseased blood that ran through his veins.

Shaking his head, Sirius trod along at a steady pace towards the now visible park. Feeling his jacket’s pockets, he checked he hadn’t stormed out without his tin. To his relief, he felt it in his back pocket. 

The park was empty around this time. It was tea time after all and many kids would be sat with their parents, laughing with each other over the table. Sirius sighed. It was quiet depressing anyway with the singular swing set drifting slowly in the post-summer breeze. The smell of crisp leaves buzzed in the warm air. Ruffling trees could be heard at his immediate range with the the faint sound of motors churning down the motorway just past the hedges. If Sirius really concentrated, he could hear the muffled sound of TVs in the neighbouring houses. 

Breathing in, Sirius went to the small skate park which sat close to the playground. He walked underneath the rusting monkey bars, and down the small dip towards the ramps. Leaning against one of the railings, he pulled out his tin from his pocket and flipped it open. There was a small amount of loose tobacco, a stray filter, an empty baggy and most important of all, a spliff. Sirius went to take it between his fingers before he heard a voice. 

”You fucking wankering twat face” It said. Sirius glanced up to see a very disheveled Remus Lupin sitting awkwardly at the bottom of one of the bigger ramps. His tawny hair looked like honey in the gold evening sun. He had a graze across his left cheekbone, no doubt caused by his many falls. Pushing himself up off the asphalt, he looked towards his board, which had rolled into the half pipe a small way away. Sirius could see his eyebrows knit together and he bit at his lip ring, pulling it into his mouth. He had his flannel tied around his slim waist, his jeans were faded and frayed and his shoes looked battered and worn.

It had been almost a week since Remus had joined Hogwarts, and Sirius was often left in his company along with Lily, James and Pete. Sirius has been some-what reluctant to welcome him at first, but he’d been worn down by an insistent Lily. She had enthusiastically tried to involve him into the group, nudging and winking at Sirius when he joined them at their table. She was honestly impossible. When Sirius has seen him for the first time in Philosophy the previous week, he thought he was the hottest bloke he’d ever laid eyes on. Remus had then made it apparent the feelings weren’t mutual. But he didn’t seriously like Remus, not in a fancying way. Sirius just thought he was attractive. He didn’t even know if Remus swung that way. _I mean look at him, he has a skateboard for fuck sake, that’s a hetero activity!_ Sirius thought to himself. _Although, he does have that lip ring..._

Sirius stared at him for a while, and then realised what he was doing was rather creepy. Leaning his elbows on the railing behind him, he tried to appear nonchalant. He took the spliff out of the tin.

He cleared his throat, “Oi! Lupin!”.

The boy spun around so quickly it made Sirius feel dizzy. He quirked his head to the side, squinting over in Sirius’ direction, “Sirius?” He said, beginning to make his way over. His board was horizontal in his hand like it usually was, his scarred boney fingers wrapped around it. The pads of his fingers dug into the grip tape. Sirius winced slightly at how the rough surface must feel. 

“You guessed correctly, and for that I present you your prize,” He teased when Remus was close enough. He pushed himself off the bar and bowed, extending his arm in front of him. Between his thumb and index finger, he held the spliff upright by the roach. “an amazing spliff rolled by the one and only Sirius Black.”

Remus scoffed, raising his eyebrows. “What are you doing at the skatepark? I thought you didn’t skate.” 

Sirius lifted his head. He raised a hand to his chest in mock horror, “How dare you assume such thing! I could very well be a closeted skater”

”Sirius you told me two days ago you don’t skate.”

”Yeah, yeah I know.” Sirius laughed, now fumbling in his pocket for his lighter. “Very well then, I guess I’ll just smoke this by myself...” He smirked.

”I never denied your offer,” Remus said, holding his hand out. “Let me spark.”

”Ooh, if you insist!” Sirius then resumed the same position he was in before, but now holding the lighter in his other hand, flat in his palm. “Your majesty”

Remus tutted and took both items from his hands. Shuffling to stand next to Sirius, he placed the spliff between his lips. Transfixed, Sirius watched as Remus’ long fingers flicked the flint, creating sparks before pressing down on the gas. A large flame appeared from the tip, illuminating their surroundings. Sirius only now noticed it was growing dark.

”Oh, you’re one of those people who rig these fuckers,” Remus murmured, the roach between his teeth. The flame cast an orange hue onto his skin, pools of amber shining brightly in the evening colours. Advancing the light towards the twisted end of the roll, Sirius watched as it caught alight, embers sizzling as Remus took a couple of tokes.

_Mesmerising._

Remus took it between his fingers nimbly, whilst holding his breath. He held it out towards Sirius. Blowing a large cloud of smoke from his lungs, he nod his head as if to say _“your turn”_.

Sirius obliged, taking it between his own fingers and raising it to his mouth. He took a couple puffs. Remus was now staring off into the distance. The sun was setting and the sky was a collage of indigos, yellows, pinks and reds. The boy closed his eyes and smiled to himself. Sirius thought he looked beautiful. 

Fuzzy motions started to appear across his body as the substance took effect. Eyelids became heavy, goosebumps sensitive to his buzzing flesh. A bubbling in his chest made everything feel warm and content with the serenity of the park. His vision was faded around the edges, disconnecting his thoughts from his mind. Sirius imagined them drifting out of his ears, ascending into the abstract colours of the sky and disappearing like the rest of his worries. He took a another few puffs and then nudged Remus with his elbow.

Remus gladly took back the spliff, raising it to his mouth again. They didn’t say anything for a while, just staring at the sunset. It felt perfect. It was like the missing piece of a jigsaw you had been looking for had been discovered under the coffee table, completing the full picture. It slotted in perfectly, smoothly sliding into place. You could run your finger tips over the surface and you wouldn’t feel where the pieces began and ended. They seamlessly were reunited like long lost friends merging together to creating dazzling prospects, burning with desire and hope.

”S’beautiful” Sirius finally said. He didn’t know which spectre he was referring to. 

“Yeah.” Remus sighed, finishing the last of the spliff. It was now down to the roach and Remus had his tawny eyebrows drawn together, a crease between them. He flicked the end on the ground and stamped it out with his checkered vans. Sirius’ mind flickered to orange and murky green.

”Can I have a go at your board?” Sirius asked in attempt to drag his memories further away from his mind. 

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Remus asked, wrinkling his nose. His eyes were bloodshot red and drooped lazily, the skies reflecting in them.

“Trust me, I’m a Black. I can do anything if I try hard enough.”

Remus huffed what sounded like “ _fine_ ” and kicked his board towards Sirius. He smirked and picked it up as it rolled to his feet.

”Wolves, huh?” He asked, looking at the bottom of the board. A dozen stickers varying from moons and howling wolves decorated the underbelly of the board. Sirius couldn’t even see the original wooden base.

Remus’ flushed slightly and the rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, favourite animal or whatever...” He trailed off. 

“Well isn’t that just adorable,” Sirius quipped, smirking at a now smiling Remus. “Now get ready to see the most talented skating you’ve ever seen.” He walked out into the middle of the park, trying to think of how to even keep himself on the board.

He placed a heavy boot on the griptape, glancing back at blood-shot eyes before allowing  his other foot to push himself along the tarmac. Due to his foggy mind, Sirius’ judgement of gravity seemed to wither away just like Remus’ resolve to stop him. Glancing back again, he began to cheer, “IM DOING IT! IM A NA-“ The board his right foot was on top of quite literally threw itself from under him. In slow motion (maybe for dramatics, maybe it was the weed) he fell backwards, his back painfully colliding with the ground with a thump.

“Ow...” he muttered, rubbing the back of his head which had also hit the floor as he toppled over. Eyelids going from deep red to black, he figured Remus’ was now stood over him. There was a moment of sniggering before he burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. Sirius opened his eyes to see the boy he met only last week, bent over in mirth as his shoulders shook violently with glee. Remus collapsed to the floor crossed legged, wiping tears from his puffy eyes, “A complete natural, I see,” He said through suppressed giggles. “Couldn’t even do an ollie if you tried.”

”Mate, I think I’ve got a concussion. I’m seeing stars here.” 

Remus got to his feet, dusted his knees and held out a hand to Sirius, which he took. Now hoisted to his feet, he swayed a bit before looking over to the other boy’s face. Plastered across his face was warm smile, it faltered slightly. “I better be heading back now, it’s getting late and my mum is fussy about me being out a night...”

”Yeah sure. Want me walk you back?” 

Remus looked at him funny, but his expression quickly changed to another wonky smile. “Don’t you have to head back too?” Oh, how Sirius hated that question.

”Probably, but I don’t think my presence will be tolerated at the moment. I rather like my balls attached to my body,” He grimaced, “I’ll probably just head to James’.”

”Oh.” Remus looked at him sympathetically before he picked up his board. Tugging the sleeves of his flannel that were wrapped around his waist, he let them fall loose before hitching it over his shoulders and threading his arms through. He took his beanie out of his pocket and shoved it on his head, flattening at his fringe. Sirius gawked.

Shaking his head, he shoved his hands in his pockets and began to walk up the grassy hill, Remus beside him.

* * *

“Thanks for walking me, you really didn’t have to...” 

They stood outside Remus’ tower block. It was at least 10 stories high with small balconies pultruding from tiny patio doors. It looked slightly grimy, a dim glow emitting from the many brittle windows. The neighbourhood was slightly rough, amber streetlights casting their shadows eerie on the pavement. Sirius thought it must be horrible to live here, but didn’t mention it to Remus. He just looked into his eyes as they stood opposite each other outside the entrance, “No problem.”

Remus was slightly smaller than Sirius, they may be the same size if Sirius took his heavy boots off.He also wondered if Remus’ hands were bigger than his, if his long fingers would peek over the ends of his own when they pressed their palms together. _When_.

”Well Sirius, I’ll see you around.” Remus smiles sheepishly before putting the key into the door. Turning it, he looked back once more and gave a small wave. Sirius thought he looked embarrassed. The tawny haired boy hesitated for a second, before opening the door and shutting it behind him.

Sirius started at the door for a while. He noticed the cracks in the wood, streaming down the surface before they disappeared, wrapping around the frame. It was painted a murky grey, the paint chipped after many years of reapplying coats. The space surrounding the key hole was scuffed, splintered wood sticking out lethally. Some alcoholics probably came home after a night at the pub, and they would struggle to place their metal-turny-thingy into the 3 key holes. Sirius could imagine their breath smelling like stale Fosters and cigarette smoke. Classic pub stench. Just like his father. 

Turning on his heel, he made his way down the weed littered path towards the bus stop. He caught the next bus to James’ neighbourhood. 

The bus was empty. Sirius couldn’t wait to get his license and roar down the streets on a gleaming motorbike. He could let Remus ride it with him, his skinny arms wrapped round his waist from behind as they boomed down country lanes. _Sirius, you’ve known him a week for god’s sake! Get a grip of yourself!_

Suddenly, the bus came to a halt as it arrived at James’ part of town. Sirius, who was lost in thought, was snapped out of his daydream involving grazed cheekbones and lip rings as an old woman trudged onto the bus. 

Running his hands through his long hair, he lifted himself to his feet. He muttered a brief “thank you” to the driver and made his way down the street. 

James’ house was a large stately home in a beautiful estate. It’s red bricks and mahogany front door were elegant and familiar to Sirius. Gravel crunched under his heavy boots as he made his way up the driveway, he rung the doorbell.

_Ding dong._

”Who’s ringing the bleeding bell at this hour? James, get the door for us.” Said the muffled voice of Mr. Potter.

There was shuffling of feet down the hallway and the soft clink of the door being unlocked before it flung open. “Sorry, but we’re not interested in your encounter with J- oh. Hiya mate.”

James stood in the doorway, his afro hair wild and dressed only in his grey sweatpants. His gaze was soft as it met Sirius’, “Another one, eh?” 

“Yep. She can’t seem to keep her knickers untwisted.” Sirius said dryly as James began to shuffle back down his hallway. 

“Who was it love?” Mr’s. Potters voice called from the lounge. 

“Just Sirius, another spatt.”

”Ah, well. You know you’re always welcome here.” James’ parents had done well for themselves since moving here almost 18 years ago. Mr. Potter had started his own business by opening a small hairdressers. He worked tirelessly to provide for his son and wife, and as a result he’d acquired a chain of salons under his name. He earned enough money to buy his large house, along with other leisures such as a Mercedes and Mustang for James (for when he passes his test, of course).

”Thank you, Mr’s Potter.” He said before following James up the stairs. 

James’ bedroom was huge, probably the same size as Remus’ flat, Sirius thought. The walls were pristine white, his large king sized bed littered with plump pillows and several patterned blankets. He had wooden floors, polished so shiny the bulb reflected off them. Although, it wouldn’t be a teenagers room without the various posters above his desk depicting his favourite football players. Walking over to the bed, he sat at the foot, looking at James who was by the pillows.

”It’ll be alright you know mate” He said, giving an unconvincing toothless smile.

”I was hoping this time she’d kick me out you know.”

”If you really want to leave so badly, just do is Sirius. Surely you don’t want to stay there unless you desperately have to.”

”I can’t just take off, I’ll feel too guilty leaving Reg there. We’ve had this conversation before Jamie.”

James ran his fingers through his unruly hair, and then dropped his arm limply at his side. “One day, this will all be over and we can fuck off to uni together. We’ll be roommates and we’ll host big flat parties,” He pointed a finger at Sirius, “and I’ll make sure to invite all the fit lads as long as you get the ladies to come.” 

Sirius scoffed and rolled his eyes, “That won’t be hard, guys and ladies can’t keep their hands off me, I mean,” he gestured to himself, “look at me.”

James scrunched his face up as he cringed. He grabbed one of the many pillows and threw it at Sirius, hitting him square in the face. 

“Oi you wanker!” 

“Stop being so far up your own arse then.”

”Can’t help it, Black genes.” He said grimly

“I can smell the weed on you by the way. You know I hate it when you smoke that shit.” James grimaced, sniffling the air.

”Whatever Jamie. Anyway, I wasn’t alone this time for my lil’ smoke.” He winked.

”Oooh! Who’s your special bloke?”

”He’s not my _’special bloke’_. It was Lupin.” His mind suddenly drifted back to the soft pools of amber that shone in the glowing beams of the setting sun. Grazed cheekbones, tawny curls and all.

”Wow Sirius, in there already are we?” Sirius really wanted to punch his best friend.

”It wasn’t like that you tosser, we just shared a smoke and I walked him home.” _I wish it was more than that._

”Do you even know if Remus, you know, likes it up the arse?” James said with a smirk.

Sirius looked at him incredulously, “No! And I’m not bloody asking anytime soon!”

”Ah, you do like him don’t you? God Pads, when you fall, you fall hard don’t you?” James’ smirk grew even more, his tone incredibly cocky.

”Shut up or I’ll pull my sock off and stick it up _your_ arse!”

James help his hands up in front of him, “Alright, alright,” He got up from the bed. “I’ll get you a pair of my sweatpants, top and tail?”

”Sound.”

* * *

Sirius lay at the end of James’ bed that night. His phone read 1:34am and he was staring at the ceiling blankly. He couldn’t seem to get Remus off his mind. By now, his resolve had fallen and he’d stopped fighting his rapidly growing feelings for him. Maybe he did like Remus in a fancying way.

This _boy,_ this bloody gorgeous lad, had just waltzed into his life unexpectedly, reached his hand into Sirius mind and mixed all his rational thoughts around until they jumbled beyond comprehension. It seemed almost unfair really. He wasn’t allowed to do that, he didn’t have the right to suddenly have claim on Sirius’ emotions after only a week of knowing each other. He tossed over to his side.

Lupin really was a mystery though, and Sirius couldn’t help but be intrigued. His freckled face containing those rich expressive eyes that looked like they held the secret to the universe. You could almost see his tormented past written like lyrics across his skin. Unsaid words seem to linger on the boys tongue, and sometimes you could see him swallow them down. This usually happened when someone asked him why he’d moved away from the fresh countryside of Wales, his expression would look painful and he’d change the subject. He’d bounce them off with his iron shield, battle defences high ready for an unforeseen attack, waiting. Sometimes you could see the fight in his body language. He’d hunch his shoulders, ball his hands into fists with white knuckles and clench his jaw. Sirius found it kind of hot. He tossed again.

Sirius would do whatever it took to breach the threshold. He knew this was no mean feat, and he was prepared to charge, all guns blazing, because he wanted Remus to think he was worthy of his tender side. The boy had even held his defences when they’d first met, the reluctance to appear weak in front of people he was intimidated by. Sirius could see right through him, just like a window. No, Remus wouldn’t be an ordinary window, he’d be made of stained glass. The same sun they stared at hours before would cast dancing patterns across the floor, tinged indigos, yellows, pinks and reds by the panes. Toss.

Sirius would come up with an action plan to maybe win the amber-eyed boy over. Yes, he’d seduce him with his excellent charm and bravado. Although, there was still a small flaw in his scheme. He didn’t even know if Remus liked guys. Well, Sirius could hope ( _god_ , he could hope) but nothing would change the fact he was straight if he did turn out to be? Horror filled Sirius as he imagined leaning into kiss Remus and being pushed away, hearing his voice say, “ _I’m no faggot_!”. It made him cringe just thinking about it. The images echoed round his mind, reverberating around the hollowness that was his soul. That was all thanks to his darling mother. 

He couldn’t help his heart skipping a beat when Remus smiled at him from across the table, or his stomach bubbling with excitement at the prospect of Remus becoming a permanent member of the group. The Marauders (and Lily) were tight knit and often didn’t allow outsiders to interfere. The fact that Remus didn’t even know how extraordinary it was for him to have been included out of the blue was laughable. Lily, the bitch, knew what she was doing when she did this. Yes, she did this to _him._ She’d been the one to introduce Lupin, she’d been the one winking and nudging him when he was around. Maybe her insistency had taken effect on Sirius and it was leading his brain to believe that he _had_ to feel that way because it was being insinuated. He groaned and tossed yet gain.

Nonetheless, Sirius knew Remus had built a moat of tears around the kingdom that was his mind, and Sirius was willing to drown to get to the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For you none-British folk  
> EDL - The English Defence League (EDL) is a far-right, Islamophobic organisation in the United Kingdom.  
> Bloke - British slang for a man.  
> Rigging a lighter - to remove the tape under the jet of the lighter to make the flame bigger than it’s meant to be.


	3. strawberry punch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cw: alcohol use (house party woop) and lots of Mr. Brightside. Sexual innuendos too.

_“Foxey, foxey  
You know you're a cute little heart breaker, ha  
Foxey, yeah  
And you know you're a sweet little love maker, ha  
Foxey”_

_Jimi Hendrix ‘Foxy Lady’._

**Remus POV**

November seemed to approach fast and before he knew it, Remus had spent almost two months at Hogwarts. He’d now memorised the corridors and had become accustomed to the sleeping schedule. No one regarded him as the ‘new kid’ anymore, and he was silently absorbed into the student-body. Drifting from class to class, not really comprehending the reality of the rushing halls, Remus took things day by day. Each hour merged together, the only distinction in the chaos in his life was study and the marauders. 

Remus seemed to have been enthusiastically dragged into this group of misfits who somehow were the most popular pupils in the school. He’d often walk down the corridors with Lily and James, sometimes Pete, and younger students (some older, even) would move out the way for them. Their ridiculous teenage hierarchy had placed the group on a pedestal, the marauders reluctantly and unwillingly looking down on them. It was obvious James, Lily, Peter and Sirius hated this idea. They didn’t like to bask in their glory, but were grateful for the respect and responsibility placed on their shoulders. Trouble-makers to the core (as Remus discovered when Sirius tampered with Horace’s adjustable chair one lesson) their boisterous exterior was all a facade for their gentler sides. This applied to Sirius, especially.

Sirius seemed to be incredibly complex, Remus thought. Flaunting his good looks (who are we joking, he knows he’s attractive) and winking at the girls who’s fake tans were lathered on so thick, their hands were green. But Remus thought he’d seen a side of Sirius no one but the other marauders had witnessed. Mischievous exteriors and flirtatious behaviour were only used by him to hold onto the control he had left in his life. Remus didn’t know much about Sirius’ home life, but from the offhand comments made by him, Remus figured it wasn’t great. Despite this, the long-haired boy Remus knew was gentle and kind, which juxtapositions the rough leather and intimidating studs he wore like a medal. He was hilarious in more ways than not, and seemed like a down-to-earth, genuine person. 

Sirius had visited the skatepark again twice since their first smoke together. He’d often come to just watch Remus, said it was good to get away from the house for a while. It wasn’t that Remus _minded_ Sirius being there, he just felt he was distracting. Days getting colder, his cheeks and nose would be slightly pink from the chill, and his dark silky hair would blow away from his face as the bitter wind stung his tanned skin. Remus really tried to concentrate, but he’d end up falling over more than he usually did. Sirius probably thought he was terrible. They’d share a smoke afterwards and Sirius had walked him home both times. Biting his lip or fiddling with his helix piercings, he’d watch Remus disappear behind the murky grey door until he’d reached his flat. Once, Remus was closing his curtains and he’d seen Sirius standing still by the door, tracing the chipped paint with his fingers. He’d stood there for a moment, before turning on his heel and trudging away. Remus watched him until he disappeared from under the amber street lamps. 

Currently, Remus was sat on the marauders’ table by the bike sheds. Lily sat next to him, eating something avocado and James opposite, trying to flick scrunched up tin foil at Peter. Sirius lounged next to James, smirking, seemingly enjoying his best friends’ immaculate aim.

”Fuck off will you!” Peter shouted, glaring at James and Sirius. He stuck his hand down the collar of his t-shirt and fished out the tin foil. Remus had noticed that Peter was something of a mockery to the other marauders. Often treated as the ‘fat one’. 

“Alright Pete, jeez, that time of the month already?” James laughed, glancing over at Lily opposite him.

”Don’t be an arse James.” Lily scolded, though the fond smile on her face betrayed her. It seemed no one knew what James’ and Lily’s relationship actually was. They would flirt, Remus catching them brushing hands briefly on the free periods. Although it seemed their relationship wasn’t entirely established. Maybe it was something the rest of them were past mentioning now.

”As I was saying,” Lily backtracked, “James is hosting a halloween party round his on Saturday! The whole year is invited, which means you too Remus.” 

“Yeah mate, you should come!” James said in his permanently high-volumed voice. Remus thought he would’ve gotten used to his friend’s overly excited nature by now.

”Oh, I-I don’t know guys. It’s not really my thing, parties and all...” Remus hadn’t hung out with any of the marauders outside of college (with the exception of Sirius). He gathered he’d been too private for their liking, and they kept asking him to join them in their escapades. Phone numbers had not been exchanged as of yet. 

“Remus lad, please just come. You know what they say! You onl-“

”Don’t say it Pete, I cant avoid another cringe-attack today.” Sirius joked, and then moved to look at Remus. Stormy grey eyes shifted across his face. How could a colour so cold make him feel so warm? “I’d really like if you came.”

Remus felt his insides melt, ”I- Well-“

”It’s settled then! Rem is coming.” James declared, standing up suddenly, hoisting his bag over his shoulder. Today he wore a different windbreaker, scarlet with golden stripes going across his front. “Right. I’m off to theory, want me walk you to biology Lils?”

”Am I allowed to say no?”

”I’m afraid not. Up you get love.”

“I better go to, I’ve got a practical in food science.” Peter said, getting up from his seat and rolling up the scraps of the sandwich he’d been eating. “I’ll see you two around?” He flitted his eyes over to Sirius, and they seemed to exchange a form of communication before he turned to walk behind Lily and James.

Remus watched them retreat back through the large doors, disappearing around the corner. 

“How’s it going Moony?” Sirius asked, his usual smirk apparent in his voice without Remus needing to look at him.

”Moony?”

”Yeah, figured it was an appropriate nickname considering your,” He gestured towards nothing specific, “wolf stickers ‘n’ stuff.” Noticing the faint blush on Sirius’ cheeks, Remus smiled at him.

”I’m not saying I approve, but I won’t stop you.”

”I think you’re just reluctant to accept you like it. It’s kinda cute too.” Remus scoffed at that, he had to. Why did Sirius say all those things when he was straight?

”Soppy git.”

”Dick head.”

”Skateboarding wanker.”

”Leather-clad moron.”

”Hey! That was below the belt, no one offends me and my baby.” Sirius lifted the collar of his jacket to his mouth and kissed it.

”You’re positively insane, you know that right?”

”Just succumbing to the Black’s family madness.” He grimaced slightly, and then winked at Remus. He felt himself flush slightly. “Come on _Moony._ I’ll walk you to sociology and I promise, you can insult me all you want as long as you come to James’ party on Saturday. Deal?”

Remus, pretending to consider, placed his fingers on his chin and stroked it, “I think we have a deal mate.”

* * *

Saturday seemed to roll around entirely too fast for Remus’ liking. He’d revised for their end of term exams and felt too worn out to even consider the party. But he went anyway.

Trying to make it look like he hadn’t put too much effort into his appearance, Remus had sprayed himself with some random aftershave his mum got him for his birthday and ruffled his hair in front of the bathroom mirror. Behind him, the mosaic tiles screamed violently with their burnt orange tones. He knew no matter how much he looked at his reflection and tried to convince himself he looked fine, his brain wouldn’t allow it. Raising his finger to brush the partly healed scab on his chin, he wondered if the others would bother to dress up. He knew James and Lily probably were, they’d most likely wear a matching couple costume despite their protests against them being one. They were very confusing sometimes. Remus hadn’t bothered with a costume, just wore his same old flannels and vans, but left the beanie. He’d be inside a house full of sweaty teenagers, his ears would remain perfectly warm. 

Scratching his nose, Remus frowned before turning to leave the bathroom. 

“Mum! I’m going now!” He yelled to his mum who was sat in bed. It was around 8pm and ever since the divorce, Hope would be out like a light by 9.

”Okay love, stay safe and don’t come back too late!” She yelled back.

Remus climbed down the stairs of his tower block and made his way towards the bus stop. Sirius had written James’ address and the bus to get from the nearest stop whilst he sat in philosophy, “Don’t think you’re getting off this easy.” He’d said before passing over the folded piece of paper.

Remus held it in his hand as he waited at the shelter, running his fingers along the lines of ink. He followed their path, feeling the dint in the paper the ball of the pen had carved. _Sirius must press hard when he writes_ , Remus thought, _because if you turn the paper over, you can see the raised words written backwards._ Sirius’ handwriting was elegant, flowing from each letter to the next. Each movement of his hand must be calculated, the loops and serifs (yes, he used _serifs_ ) felt like they were placed especially for Remus. Aristocratic fingers had held a cheap biro, and had created this calligraphy of perfection. It mapped out a privileged childhood with private tutors and mentoring on how to hold a fountain pen. Beneath the leather and studs, Remus knew Sirius was trying to compensate for the wealthy upbringing he’d had by dressing himself as a ‘proletariat’. That wasn’t his fault though. 

Circling the pad of his finger over the small winky face, the bus churned into the stop. It was almost the end of the line, James’ neighbourhood being the final. Remus figured he could walk home when the party was over, he wasn’t planning on getting too drunk anyway. Maybe Sirius could walk him. He gave the driver what he was due and walked to the back seats. 

Tower blocks became obscured by leafless branches as they made their way down the lane. Everything seemed to blur past before Remus’ could focus on anything in particular. The fast-paced nature of the journey made Remus feel separated from his body, the noises of the engine and the rattle of the stones as the wheels rolled over them became distant. Subtle and faded. He plugged his earphones in and pressed shuffle on his playlist. Something Tame Impala came on. Drifting into inevitability, he wondered how his dad was doing.

Lyall had remained in the cottage when Hope had taken Remus to London. His father had never been affectionate towards Remus, and some part of him was grateful. He could never imagine Lyall pulling him into a hug, telling him how proud he was to have a son like Remus. Most days, he’d sit on the battered arm chair by their fire with a cig in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. Giving a malevolent look through the doorway as Remus washed the dishes, he’d throw his bottle at the wall with a _crash_ and demand another. Remus would flinch every time. He wondered if his father’s ways had been affected by their departure.

“ _They say people never change, but that's bullshit, they do...”_

The bus came to an abrupt halt in James’ estate. He wished the bus driver well and hopped off.

Walking down the road, he heard the faint sound of thumping music becoming louder and louder as he followed Sirius’ directions. His heart began to pound. At the end of the gravel driveway, Remus stood helplessly. 

He hadn’t prepared himself at all for this and he was a fool to think he’d be able to manage. Daunting possibilities clouded his mind as he slowly slinked towards the mahogany door. Not even half way there, a loud _crash_ emitted from inside. Remus flinched and his mind was cast back to his earlier dwellings.

Reaching the door, he took a deep breath and went to press the door bell. He pulled back when the it flung open to reveal a very drunk looking witch. 

“Remmusssss!” Marlene slurred. There was no doubt as what she was dressed as, her headband with a tiny witches hat on top of it. She wore a black strapless tube top and a skater skirt which looked like it had been hacked at with scissors. She smirked at him. One of her pale arms was wrapped around another girl’s waist.

“This,” She paused to look over at the dark skinned girl she was embracing. She scrunched her face up and giggled, “is Dorcas. My most amazing and beautiful girlfriend!” 

The girl, Dorcas, wore dark cargo pants and a long sleeved body top tucked into them. Her hair was back in a sleek pony tail with a clear elastic. She had painted cat whiskers on her face, a dark circle on her nose. 

“She’s my little pusssssy cat.” Marlene winked. Giggling, Dorcas elbowed her girlfriend. Darting her eyes at Remus, she turned to whisper something into the witches ear.

”Hmm, we’ll see.” She moved over and kissed Dorcas on the cheek. “We’re off now. It was nice seeing you sweetieeee.” Marlene said, moving her hand lower on her girlfriend’s waist and beginning to walk down the driveway. Remus realised he hadn’t said anything the whole exchange.

The door, now open, Remus could now see the mayhem within. If he hadn’t known the amount of people in his year, he’d have thought hundreds of people were crowded into James’ house. Streamers of black and purple held up with tape ran down the walls, flinging themselves off many expensive looking paintings. Above him, plastic spiders and woollen cobwebs fell from the high ceiling. In the hallway, the lights were on, but beyond that it was darkness. Shoving his way through the writhing bodies, Remus reached what he presumed was the lounge. Leather sofas and arm chairs were in the middle of the large room, blending into the blackness. Disco lights spun around the dancing teenagers hectically, casting shadows of neon colours across the walls. From within the lounge, the music was at it’s loudest, and Remus assumed this was the so called ‘centre’ of the party. 

Squinting in the darkness, Remus could make out two figures dancing on the oak coffee table. They danced in unison, contorting almost beautifully as the music moved them. He blinked. It was Lily and James.

Already feeling flushed and red-faced from the unbearably hot atmosphere, Remus pushed himself yet again through the throng of people. Accidentally, he knocked into someone and their drink tipped over onto the person next to them. He ducked his head as he heard dulled shouts beneath the ground shaking music. He reached the table.

”LILY!” He attempted. The music was deafening by her, and he saw the large speakers booming by the TV, vibrating the floorboards. He tried again, “LILY EVANS!” 

Finally, Lily opened her eyes from where she was dancing with her back against James’ chest, his arms wrapped around her. She wore a white t shirt dress with little felt ears coming out a headband placed on her head. Remus assumed she was some sort of woodland creature. “REMUS!” She turned around in James’ arms and shook him by the shoulders. He opened his eyes, looking sulkily at her. “REMUS! JAMES HE-“ The rest of her words were drowned out as the song hit the chorus and many people joined in. 

“ _Jealousy, turning saints into the sea_  
 _Swimming through sick lullabies_  
 _Choking on your alibis_  
 _But it's just the price I pay_  
 _Destiny is calling me_  
 _Open up my eager eyes_  
 _'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside..._ ”

Jumping off the table, Lily practically falling into Remus’ arms and gave him a bear hug. He could smell the cider on her breath. James stood behind her smiling. “C’MON, LET’S GO GET YOU A DRINK!” Lily yelled over the floor-creaking music. She led him through the plethora of jerking bodies towards the dim light of the kitchen. It looked breathtaking.

The large chandelier hung from the ceiling, glinting softly. Main bulb off, all of James’ lamps seemed to be comprised into this one room. Scattered along the counter, they varied in shapes, colours and sizes. Their shades prevented their vibrancy, and so the atmosphere felt laced with magic with the soft glow against the walls. Bowls varying in contents sat on the kitchen island, accompanied by a mouse-eared Peter. _Of course that’s where he’d be._

The music seemed to throb in this room, not succumbing to the intensity it did in the lounge. People didn’t need to strain their vocal chords to communicate. 

“There’s bowls of some concoction the boys came up with on the kitchen side. You can just grab one of the cups from where Peter is and scoop some up,” She glanced back at the door, “I’d better be getting back to James, he’s clingy when he’s drunk.” Lily gave a sorry look. Waving, she dashed out the door and disappeared into the depths of the party.

Remus was yet to notice Sirius, and when he did, his chest fluttered. Sirius stood in his usual cocky lounge, because Sirius never stood, he _lounged_. His face was slightly flushed from the clamminess of the party, spots of pink filling his clear skin. Staring out into a different doorway which left the kitchen, he swirled his drink around his cup. Hair tied back into a messy bun, his fringe fell softly over his forehead. Remus thanked all that was holy for that hair style. It exposed Sirius’ sharp jawline and taut neck. Lifting his cup to his lips, his adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped down the contents. Without his leather jacket, he wore a thin t-shirt and his usual drainpipe jeans. Fabric wrapped themselves around his biceps when he lowered the drink back down.

Remus sighed and gave a reproachful look at the bowl of punch in front of him. Peter swung his legs and hoped off the counter, shoving the last of the crisps in his hand in his mouth. He gave Remus a small smile and mouthed “ _He’s been waiting for you_ ” and nodded his head in the direction of Sirius. Over his shoulder, he gave a small wave and left through the doorway Sirius had been staring out of. 

_Sirius had been waiting for me? Why would he be asking specifically about me?_

Nervous now, Remus picked up a red party cup from beside the bowl with shaky fingers. Before he could scoop the drink in the container, a gentle but broad hand placed itself over his own. 

Startled, he turned around on the balls of his feet to see Sirius’ hand outstretched and a sheepish smile on his face. “Let me.” He said. 

Taking the cup from Remus’ hand, Sirius lowered it into the red liquid, filling it half way. Remus gawked at his veined arms. They were cool blue and green, delicately wrapped themselves around his caramel wrists. Remus’ eyes trailed them up to the crook of his elbow where they disappeared into faint hairs. 

“Here.” Sirius finally said, holding out the plastic cup. He glanced down at his arm, and then looked back up to Remus’ face. Retrieving the cup, Remus blushed at the fact he’d been caught; caught staring at Sirius’ _arms_. _At least make it something normal, not some weird vein kink you weirdo._

He looked down into the cup. The drink smelt violently of spirits, accompanied with a strawberry (or some sort of berry) twinge. Swirling it, he watched it pool back to a stand still before saying, “What is this, poison?”

”Ha!” Sirius laughed, throwing his head back. Remus didn’t think what he’d said was actually that funny. “Oh Moony, it’s punch made by yours truly. I’d never poison you.”

Remus frowned and looked back down into the cup. In one fluid motion, he tilted his head back and chugged the whole serving in one swig. He slammed it back onto the counter, wiping his mouth. Sirius stared, his mouth open.

”Close your mouth love, you’ll be catching flies.” Remus quipped. Taking his fingers under Sirius’ chin, he slowly pressed his mouth shut, lips softly meeting each other. Removing his hand, a flush crept up his own neck at the realisation of what he’d just done. 

Sirius shook his head and his permanent smirk was reinstated on his face. He rubbed his hands together, “I think it’s time for shots Mr. Moony.” Remus smirked back.

Sirius walked over to where his leather jacket had been thrown over one of the island seats. He lifted it up and fumbled with one of the inside pockets. From it, he acquired a singular 500ml bottle of Smirnoff vodka. Sauntering back towards Remus, he unscrewed the top slightly before flicking it off with his fingers. Remus watched as it flew across the room, landing with a clatter on the floor. “I don’t think James would appreciate you littering in his house.” Remus jested.

Sirius chuckled, “It’s pretty much my house too, I spend more time here than I do at my own place.” He tipped the glass bottle over the plastic cups, filling it to the first ridge. Doing the same for the second cup, he then lifted the bottle to his lips and took a quick swig. 

“Hey!” 

“What? My bottle my rules.” Placing the bottle back on the side, he lifted the newly filled cup into the air. “Cheers?”

”Cheers.”

* * *

Remus didn’t know how long he’d been at the party, or what time it was at all. He didn’t have the capability to get his phone out his pocket, let alone read the time. His mouth was dry after assaulting his taste buds with copious amounts of alcohol. Sweat poured out of him, pooling in his collar bones. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion, and then it would accelerate at a nauseating pace. Warm buzzing sensations littered his skin, numbing all of his worries, zipping away his bad thoughts. Before, he’d blacked out and found himself sat at the dining room table, head spinning in his hands. _I must be the... the ep-epitommmmme of drunkeneness_ he told himself as he pushed himself back up from the table. White walls rolled violently around him counter-clockwise. 

Party still in full swing, no one seemed to notice a green-looking Remus, hunched and slowly walking through the crowd. Many people pushed him back and forth as they danced, causing him to throw up acidic bile in his mouth. He swallowed it. He made a noise that sounded like ‘ _eugh!_ ’ but it was again drowned out by the still thumping music clogging his eardrums. 

Remus didn’t know where he was going, or why he was stumbling around aimlessly through James’ various doorways. He came across a small room around the back of the house filled with brooms and buckets stuffed haphazardly in it. Remus was too inebriated to know it was a store cupboard. How was he supposed to know? No one told him!

He’d lost Sirius at some point throughout the night when they’d be dancing together in the lounge. A small part of Remus’ mind that remained completely logical was furious with him for allowing Sirius to even grab his hand as he led him into the middle of the room. They’d danced almost as Lily and James had on the coffee table. Remus tossed his head from side to side along with the music, his sweaty tawny hair flailing as he did so. Sirius had come up behind him (also drunk) and wrapped his arms around Remus’ ribs, palms flat against his damp t-shirt. Breathing hot air onto his neck, Remus continued dancing shamelessly with the aid of the dutch-courage. He was completely unaware of the strong arms embracing him, Sirius’ hot breath causing his neck to rise in goosebumps. Sober Remus would be cynical, but that’s only if they’d both remembered who the other person _actually_ was.

He was now stumbling up the stairs, tripping over the carpet and almost whacking his head on one of the steps. Giggling to himself, he finally reached the summit.

It was much quieter up there, even quieter than the kitchen had been when he’d first arrived. Various straight people were pressing each other against the walls, doing what they did best at parties. Remus screwed his face up in disgust as if he’d smelt a particularly foul odoured sock. Somehow, he’d managed to find a room in which there wasn’t a hook up dry humping each other. 

Bouncing off the walls with his hands to keep his balance, he made his way through the bathroom. It was one of the smaller ones, it must have been. Remus remembered it being small the next day when he woke up. 

The mirror cabinet above the wash basin was open, various empty pill bottles lay on their sides. _Someone has obviously had fun._

Closing it, Remus caught the sight of his reflection for the first time since leaving the house at 8. Sweaty faced, flushed from the alcohol and dancing, Remus laughed. He looked fucking ridiculous. 

He began opening his mouth and then closing it, making damp popping sounds like a fish underwater. Giggling, he lifted his hands up to his face. His skinny arms suddenly felt like tubes of cement, heavy and dense. Starting at the graze on his chin, he pulled at his face, contorting it hilariously. He tried to make himself feel it, but his nerves seemed to have magically disappeared. “S’numb” He muttered absently to himself, and let out another giggle.

”Y’know, if you hold your face like that for too long it’ll stay that way.” Said a deep voice from behind him. 

Dropping his hands limply to his sides, Remus caught sight of high cheekbones and fluffy long hair behind him in the mirror. Sirius had let his hair down now, it looked slightly greasy from sweat but perfect all the same. He had also put his jacket back on, studs flashing in the suddenly offensive bright light of the bathroom. Smirking, he lent his back against the doorframe along with his head, arms crossed.

”Shurrup.” Remus slurred, waving his hand in the direction of Sirius behind him. 

“God Moony, you’re wasted.” Sirius laughed, a fond smile on his face. 

“Is cozz of my... my low bmx, no, bm-mi.” 

“Hmm, I see.” Remus heard his heavy boots slowly approaching on the bathroom tiles. He spun around quickly - too quickly as he suddenly felt incredibly nauseous. Everything began to wobble.

He felt himself stumble forwards, Sirius catching him by placing his hands on Remus’ shoulders.

”Good god Rem, maybe those last few shots weren’t such a great idea.” Sirius looked down at him, a worried glint in his grey eyes, like thunder clapping down on a mountain.

”Nooooooo...” Remus whined, resting his head against Sirius’ chest. He visibly stiffened. 

“You’re drunk.” Sirius stated, more to himself.

”Ammnot!”

”I think it’s bedtime for you.”

Remus straightened back up, leather creases on his cheek. He smirked, placing a half arsed accusatory finger to Sirius’ chest. “Y’know when I first met youuuu,” He giggled, “I thought you were a MASSIVE twat.”

Sirius laughed slightly, looking down at the floor, “I know, you didn’t exactly try to hide it.”

”NO! I thought you were a GINORMOUS penis head! Wivv your spikey thingies and your stupid smirk.” Remus some-what repeated, still slurring his words. 

Shifting his feet, Sirius scuffed his boots on the white tiled bathroom floor. His thick dark eyebrows were drawn together, a small crease between them.

_O-o-ooh, wait for the twist,_ drunk Remus thought to himself.

”Ah, but!” He started, reaching his hand up to fiddle with one of the studs on Sirius’ collar, “I’ve changededed my mind since then. I think you’re _rather_ nice, and pretty too.”

Remus took pleasure in Sirius’ cheeks blushing a bright shade of scarlet, his eyes fixed on the fingers that fumbled with the collar of his jacket. Suddenly (but gently) he grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled his arm over his own shoulders to support his weight. 

“Let’s take you home.” He said, his tone unreadable. 

* * *

Remembering the taxi drive home, Remus knew he’d passed out, his head resting against Sirius’ shoulder. 

“Wha-“ He muttered as someone shook his shoulders gently.

”C’mon Moons, we’re at yours now.” Sirius whispered, his calloused hands brushing Remus’ damp hair from his forehead. “Don’t make me carry you.”

”I’m a damsel in distresssss.” Remus said, smiling with his eyes closed. He heard Sirius scoff and he tugged at his arm.

Reluctantly, Remus opened his eyes and began to climb out the taxi. Sirius leant over the open window and gave the driver his change. They both watched as he pulled away. 

“M’cold” Remus shivered, his teeth chattering. Wrapping his arms around his sides, he felt something draped over his tensed shoulders.

”Keep it on whilst we walk. Don’t want you freezing to death.”

Remus was wearing Sirius’ jacket. Even drunk Remus could understand the gravity of this situation. _Sirius has willingly given Remus his leather jacket?!_ Everyone knew how protective Sirius was over it, he wore it like a medal. It was a staple for him, you almost never saw him without it. This was mainly because his mother detested it as it was _‘filthy and common’_. Anyway, if this was the case, Remus must mean something to Sirius. He inhaled a shuddered breath.

”T-thanks...”

So they walked. It was only short, but Remus felt like they were on the edge of something special. He wondered how far he should push it, whether it was worse finding out what it was and being disappointed, or letting it slip and never knowing. Christ, he was suddenly so taken with Sirius and his generosity, his ardent words and gentle touches. He really was like his eyes; a thunder storm. Intense, bright, loud and shockingly beautiful. No one had quite prepared him for what he was descending into. But he let himself. It was dangerously wonderful, allowing himself to trip into the unknown of being with someone so, so _present_. Remus knew he wasn’t good enough for him, and he didn’t know if he was even on Sirius’ preferences. How would he ever fit that in a conversation? He guessed he could ask Lily, but she may get angry with him being invasive. 

They’d reach the foot of Remus’ tower block, and Sirius stood there in front of it. He held out his hand, “Can I have your phone?”

His tone was so tender that Remus didn’t even realise what was being asked. Before he could stop himself, he’d reached in his pocket and pulled his phone out. Unlocking it, he passed it to Sirius. It was slightly scary how willing he was to do anything for the boy opposite him.

The warm light of the screen illuminated Sirius’ face and he punched something in on his phone. When he was finished, he clicked it shut. “I just gave you my number. Call me tomorrow morning so I know you’ve not died of alcohol poisoning overnight.” He passed it back.

Wait.

Sirius had just given his number to Remus. He-

“Remus?” Sirius’ hand came from his back pocket and he reached out to brush something behind Remus’ ear. 

“You should head up, you’re starting to look a bit pale.” He peered down at Remus’ expressionless face and glazed eyes. Pulling his hand back, he smiled compassionately. He calmly lifted his jacket from Remus’ shoulders before turning around and beginning to walk away. 

Remus stared after him, watched him again disappear from under the amber glow of the street lamps.

Everything was lost after that. He didn’t remember throwing up on the stairwell, or even making it to his bed. 

* * *

The next morning when Remus woke up, he found a cigarette tucked behind his ear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (check lostdiadem1 on tumblr for updates on this fic)


	4. colours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I’ve been busy with exams and stuff at college but i’m off for a week so expect a few chapters heading your way!

_“Memories they mess with my mind_   
_Who am I to deny_

_She was_   
_So good at being in trouble_   
_So good at being in trouble_   
_So bad at being in love”_

_Unknown Mortal Orchestra ‘So Good at Being in Trouble’._

**Sirius POV.**

Depending on who you asked, Sirius Black was either the most generous person you’d ever meet, or the biggest arsehole in the universe. People usually thought the latter. Vainglorious and flamboyant was Sirius’ connotations and those words were everything but positive - and he knew that. He knew everyone thought he was a conceited dick head because of his family, all snobbish and self-entitled. His _dear_ mother had planted that seed, the repertoire of the family Black consisting of insanity and coldness. And with all this considered, Sirius fought with all his might, all his integrity to become unassociated with the labels that followed him. A large sack slung over his shoulder, heavy and demanding in all aspects. Draining him of the remaining resilience he had left, the sack a constant burden on his shoulder blades. It unbalanced him, but it never wavered his certainty. He’d never be like them. This sack full of burdens his family had created would never weigh him down. He was the white sheep amongst black.

And that’s why Sirius went out his way to help everyone he could. Especially a certain freckled, lip-ringed boy.

His recollections of James’ house party was hazy. Scenes would fold out in front of him long after, forgetting he had even acquired those memories. At the time, he thought nothing of it. It was just another one of Jamie’s house parties. But if you asked Sirius now, he’d say it was the night the world changed axis, the night that his determined fate as a nobody was rewinded like on a cassette tape, playing the music of his life backwards until the veiled truth of his existence was uncovered, and someone had unexpectedly slammed stop. Stop to the idea that the outcast of the family had to please everyone to redeem his relatives’ deeds. It didn’t matter who thought what, because they chose to think that. The only people who mattered were those who didn’t give a second thought, those who he didn’t need to prove himself to. 

James threw his ping pong ball across the dining room table coated in red plastic cups filled with beer. Bouncing of the hard surface, it landed in the cup furthest to Sirius’ right. “AHA!” James exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air with victory. “Take that you prat!”

”Just you wait Potter, just you wait...” Sirius lifted the ball above his head, throwing it with aerodynamic speed in James’ direction. Darting across the length of the table, it collided with James’ forehead with a small _clink._

“Argh! That’s against the rules! Tell him Lily!” He demanded, rubbing the spot the ball had bounced off his head, now rolling across the floor.

”No foul play Sirius, I will disqualify you and Peter will have to take your place. Final warning.” Lily said from the chair next to James. 

“Pete has my back, don’t you Pete?” Sirius asked, glancing at Peter who sat on the floor, back against the no-longer-pristine white wall. At some point throughout the night, Peter’s mouse ears had been discarded and his whiskers now looked like black smudges down his cheeks. Clutching his stomach, his face was pale green with nausea. His eyes were glazed over and he appeared to be swallowing more than was normal. “Pete?” Sirius tried again. No reply.

”I think he’s gunna be sick” James announced, taking several steps away from Peter. James’ hypothesis turned out to be correct, but it didn’t take a genius to see he had had too much. Peter, expression unwavering, opened his mouth and threw up all down his front, it dribbling off his chin. It was the colour of yellow bile, soggy lumps of salt and vinegar crisps he’d consumed earlier creating contrast of texture on his now stained t-shirt.

”That’s fucking disgusting,” Sirius said, twisting his face in revulsion. “I think _I’m_ going to vomit now.”

”Can you take care of him mate? You’re the most capable of handling people when they’re,” James gestured towards Peter’s now crumpled form, “like this.”

”Yeah sure mate. it’s your party after all, enjoy yourself with your special _lady friend_.” Sirius jested, winking in the direction of James whose arm around Lily’s waist.

“Just do what you’re told you invalid” James muttered, looking down to his feet in embarrassment. 

Satisfied, Sirius now turned to a dribbling Peter. “Come on Pete, up you get. Let’s get you cleaned up.” He hoisted Peter up from under his arms, careful not to get his prized possession covered in Peter’s bile. Leading him out the room, he waded through the masses of party-goers into the downstairs bathroom. “What are we going to do with you, eh?”

”Uuuuhhh” Peter mumbled, head lolling to his side to rest on Sirius’ shoulder. He smelt horrendous, a mixture of sour vinegar and stale beer. “I’m gunnaa...” He then proceeded to wretch.

“Don’t you dare throw up on me you cretin, you’ll be paying for my dry cleaning for the rest of your life.”

Sirius then proceeded to clean Peter up. He somehow managed to find a t-shirt of James’ that fit over Peter’s head without the whole of his stomach showing. With help from Sirius himself, he made him splash water on his face and rinse out his mouth.

“Right mate, I’ll get someone to walk you home.”

They waded through the crowds yet again, avoiding the rooms where the music was the most earsplitting and into the main hallway. 

“Hey, Frank!” Sirius yelled over the foyer to a stocky boy with dirty blond hair. “Oi! Longbottom!”

”Alright mate! I was just about to leave b- Woaahhhh, what happened to mousey boy?” Frank said, casting worried glances to Peter’s half-conscious form.

”Hit the drink too hard.” Sirius replied, rolling his eyes. 

“Ah, I see.” Frank sighed. “And I’m guessing you want me to accompany him home?”

”Please?”

”Fine, but you owe me one Black.”

Frank removed an intoxicated Peter from his side and lifted his arm over his shoulder. “C’mon mate,” With that, Frank led him out the mahogany door, down the driveway and out of sight. Sirius watched them leave.

All Sirius needed to do now was find Remus again. The last time he saw him was before he left to get him a glass of water. When he returned, Remus had disappeared from the doorway, likely wandering drunkenly down the hallway to discover the maze that was James’ house. Despite being more than drunk himself, Sirius found it his obligation to look after others, like he owed it to them for giving him a chance. Being able to hold his liquor meant that his friends stayed safe and enjoyed themselves throughout the night and he could feel fulfilled knowing that he had not let them pass out on the streets or go home with someone they shouldn’t.

The trail of thought was interrupted when James appeared at his side. His afro hair was more untamed than usual, springing in all directions. On his face he wore a dreamy smile, lips chapped and swollen.

Sirius smirked, “Your fly is undone mate.”

Terrified, James darted his eyes down to his crotch, fumbling with his zipper. For some reason, the clasp was stuck on the fold of his jeans and he stood awkwardly for a few moments, hopelessly fumbling with his fly.

”You absolute dawg you!”

“Shut up Sirius, you’ve got no room to talk-“

_Thump._

James spun around. Behind them, through the plethora of people stood in his foyer, Remus was stumbling up the stairs. Positioned on his hands and knees, he seemed to be laughing at the carpet, “I think your _lover boy_ is trying to get up my stairs.”

Sirius turned around directed a venomous look at his best friend, “He’s not my lover boy...” Blushing, he watched as Remus began to make his way to the top of the staircase. The sleeve of his flannel was half way down his pale arm, his hair sweaty and curls knotted, red faced and giggling to himself. Sirius sighed and aimed a punch at James’ now zipped crotch.

”AAAARGH you ARSE HOLE- HEY GET BACK HERE!”

Sirius began making his way towards the stairs and ascended to find a very intoxicated Remus pulling at his face in the mirror. Sirius thought he’d never seen anyone so adorable in his life. Fondness seemed to puddle in his stomach, emitting outwards, shining from him like sunshine, as if he was Apollo himself. Music in his ears, harps with his heartstrings being plucked every time Remus would scrunch his nose, his freckles the notes to Sirius’ symphony. And then Remus giggled, like, properly giggled. His face seemed to radiate joy, his amber eyes crinkling around the edges, dimples creating pools of ecstasy in his flush cheeks. Sirius thought about how much he’d love to kiss them, right in the centre so his lips reached the bottom of the crater, not missing any part of Remus. He never wanted to miss anything about him.

”Y’know, if you hold your face like that for too long it’ll stay that way.”

And after that, everything for Sirius was a blur of unrequited feelings. Remus was drunk, sober Remus would never say these things. Sober Remus didn’t like Sirius like that, sober Remus was calculated and sarcastic. He mustn’t get his hopes up because _Remus_ is _straight_. 

He’d taken the other boy home, paying for the taxi and walking him to his door.

Sirius thought about Remus in his leather jacket on his walk home. It was a (guilty) fantasy of his, Remus all curled up in the large leather like when he wore his over-sized pullovers. It was only over his shoulders, but that was enough to get something bubbling in his chest, fist against his rib cage, clawing to escape. Sirius had never felt about anyone like this ever. Sure, he’d had one night stands with guys he never saw again, but he never felt anything affectionate. It was just rough, lustful sex. 

But with Remus, everything was different. More complicated, just like the boy himself.

* * *

Looking reproachfully at the glossy black paint of the front door, Sirius trudged up the steep staircase to enter. Fear weeded itself through his nerves like ice rushing through his veins, freezing him up as he stared at the shiny number twelve. He thought he would never get used to coming home.

 _Home_. 

If only that’s what it really felt like. Sirius truly believed he didn’t belong anywhere. Of course, he was welcome at the Potters, them his second family (preferably his first). But even there he felt an outsider, a burden to them as his name was to him.

Maybe, if Sirius tried hard enough, he could see himself in the future. He’d have a small cottage somewhere in the county side, his gleaming motorbike in the driveway, flashing in the summer’s beams. Thatched roofs and a rickety garden gates, the whole package. He’d take it. Sick of _‘don’t touch this’_ and ‘ _put that down_ ’ from his parents in his childhood home, he would touch everything in his cottage he could. He’d touch untidily stacked rocks of the wall outlining his front garden. He’d touch the splintered gate as he opened it to the cobbled path towards the doorway. He’d touch the sparse dandelions, caressing their pappuses gently and individually. He’d touch the golden doorknob, chipped paint licking around base. He’d touch Remus’ cheekbone, stroking it as he fluttered his eyes shut-

No. Stop it. Things will never be like that.

Sighing, Sirius slowly turned the door handle, revealing a dark hallway into the parlour. With light footsteps, he made his way down the corridor, avoiding the creaky dark-wooded floorboards he’d memorised in his early teens. He reached the doorway to the parlour without a sound (luckily) and stared at the empty mass of darkness in front of him. How fitting. 

The outline of the couch was eerie, the dark brick fireplace shining even in the pitch black. He could make out the ancient coffee table, and if he really squinted, the glass art deco ash tray on top. And worst of all, there was the murky green carpet. 

What Sirius didn’t see, was the small figure curled up in the armchair. 

Shivering, he turned towards the stairs and began to place one foot on the first step before there was a small _click_ from behind him and a bright white light. 

_Ah, fuck._

“Sirius.” Said a fragile voice. It wavered in pitch slightly, like the owner of the voice was nervous, or maybe just going through an awkward stage. 

“Reg.” Sirius turned around to get a face full of blinding torch light directly in his eyes. 

“Oh for fuck sakes Reggie, stop being petty and shining that bloody thing in my eyes.” Sirius seethed in a whisper, covering his eyes with the backs of his hands. 

Regulus removed the torch he’d been assaulting his brother with, and clutched it to his chest. It glowed below his chin, cascading eerie shadows on his young face, making it look pain stricken with disappointment. Regulus was smaller than Sirius in size and frame. Where Sirius was toned, Regulus was macilent. He was about a couple inches smaller than Sirius, but majority of people were. He was exceedingly tall. Regulus had the same high cheekbones and chiselled jaw, the same straight nose and bright grey eyes. Although, he wore his hair shorter as to conform to his parents’ desires. Currently, Sirius’ younger brother wore a black night shirt with matching pants that folded over his barefooted heel. Maybe their laundry had gotten mixed up again.

”You promised you’d be back before twelve Sirius, and it’s three a.m.” Regulus whispered, nothing but disappointment on his paler face,“I hate it when you leave me with her...”

”I know Reg, I’m so sorry. I was going to come back earlier but I had to look after Pete after he threw up all down himself and then I took Remus home before I came back I-“

”Remus?” Regulus whispered hoarsely.

“Yeah, the new kid with the skateboard and Welsh accent.” Sirius replied, twisting his boots into the green carpet. When he shifted it, he was half expecting to see orange. 

“Oh. _Him_.”

”What do you mean ‘ _oh him_ ’?!” Sirius asked incredulously. He suddenly felt offended on Remus’ behalf, and just wanted Regulus to fuck off. Remus was anyone but a ‘ _him’_ , being the most beautiful person Sirius had ever laid his eyes on. What did it matter if he looked after his friends? Wouldn’t his brother do the same, if he had friends, not superiors? 

What infuriated Sirius more was the way Regulus had addressed Remus. What did he mean by it? Did he know something he, Sirius, didn’t? Everyone knew Remus had many secrets, keeping them under his tongue, pressing them down until his mouth turned dry. He knew Regulus’ friends were anything but tolerant of people like Remus. Their working class demeanour and expression. He could manage with James, with his dad being a successful business man. What Sirius couldn’t wrap his head around, was why Regulus continued to be one of life’s followers when it was clearly getting him down. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Regulus responded in a harsh whisper, cold and unreadable, “What does matter is that you promised you’d be back bef-“

”Regulus! For gods sake, you’re 15! You’re grown up now, you don’t need me to be looking after you all the time!” Sirius tried to whisper, but came out as croaky in the silent parlour. “Or do you? Are you going to rely on me for your whole life? What are you going to do when I leave for uni, hm?” 

Sirius had never really addressed Regulus in that way before. He’d always try to speak soothingly as he knew Regulus was a lot less confrontational than himself. _Brothers through everything, we stick together._ But now, he’d snapped. Maybe it was the darkness of the parlour, sleeping into his arteries and tainting his heart with tar at each pump, turning his already black blood Stygian. He imagined it gathering behind his eyelids like ink, rolling down his cheeks, tears of a corrupt soul. It was inescapable. It was under his fingernails, between his teeth and growing from each hair follicle. One day, he’d drain himself of the cells that decided within, unscrupulous tendencies leaking out him like blotted pen cartilages. 

Regulus was silent, his mouth agape. He clutched the torch with white knuckles, a tremor in his hands. Sirius stared at his little brother for a while, assessing his now blank expression. “Right then.”

With finality, Sirius turned on his heel and began to tiptoe up the staircase as fast as he could, using the carpet overlay to muffle his footsteps. If Walburga ever caught them, she’d summon demons from the depths of hell, restrained with shackles to lash on them both.

Behind him, he heard the click of the torch and they were once again plunged into the darkness of the room and their blood.

* * *

Not getting much sleep at all, Sirius lay staring at his ceiling for majority of the remaining night. Like every early hour since September 3rd, all he could think of was Remus. Even when he did drift into unconsciousness, his dreams were filled with tawny curls and what ifs.

Sirius saw colours in his sleep. He saw the deep burning amber of Remus’ eyes, glistening affectionately for only him to behold. The pale alabaster dotted with freckles as flecks of granite, beautifully arranged like the constellations above them. The soft pink of Remus’ lips, crackled with blistering cold along with the blizzard that raged inside Sirius’ chest. And then there were the more abstract colours. The rich expensive purple with velvet embroidered in Remus’ personality, complicated stitching spiralling in obfuscate intricacies. The burgundy of his secrets, thick like honey in food colouring, obscure and mysterious, threatening to invade the bright yellows of his happiness, like summer into winter. Pooling and dripping onto the floor like navy ichor, Sirius would scoop it up and see the achromatic of his eyes looking back at him. 

Sirius shook his head and rolled over to his side. 

Often, he wondered what it would be like to kiss Remus. He imagined his lips would be lightly chapped from all his time spent in the cold skating, but texture was always good. He could almost feel the cool metal of the lip ring on his tongue as he slowly bit down on Remus’ bottom lip. Also, Sirius decided, Remus would be an excellent kisser. He probably had lots of practise with lots of Welsh boys back at home. A surge of jealously ran through him, green and nuclear. He didn’t have claim on Remus, and never would, but he couldn’t help feeling envy at any person who ever got to touch him like that. 

Anyway, Sirius carried on his elaborate daydream of kissing Remus. He imagines their first kiss, maybe outside Remus’ tower block? Yes, he would have walked Remus home on a chilly evening as the sun set, the sky radiating deep shades like it did on the first time they hung out. Remus would look up into his eyes, all shy and blushing fuchsia. He’d say, “Sirius, I have a secret to tell you...”

And Sirius, like the smooth bastard he was, would say, “Of course darling, anything you say is safe with me.”

Remus would flush even deeper, and would bring his hands up to his face like he did sometimes when attention was drawn to him in class. Sirius could vividly see his boney scarred finger and their blunt nails pressed against his cheeks. Sirius would then reach and move away Remus’ hands, replacing them with his own. They were homely under his palms, sharing the warmth of each other like they were the only embers left in the entire universe

“I- urm, well I’ve realised that I like you more than a friend, like _way_ more. Ever since the day we met, I knew you were something special, like we’re meant to be.” Remus would mutter, wrinkling his freckled nose like he always did when he was embarrassed. Sirius found that adorable. 

And then in one swift motion, Sirius would sweep up the boy in his arms and kiss him passionately. Remus would kiss him back. They would move in unison, lips crashing desperately as if the other would suddenly change their mind and disappear. Remus would move his hands to Sirius’ neck, caressing it softly, tangling his fingers in the dark hair at the nape. He would wrap Remus’ legs around his hips, gripping him under his thighs. He knew Remus would yelp at that, which made non-daydream Sirius give a small chuckle.

He shifted in his bed and suddenly felt the problem he had caused with his far-fetched daydream. Reality hit him. Sirius could never pluck up the courage to ask Remus if he liked guys at all. Forever in the unknown and clouded from the truth Sirius would stay if he didn’t find the balls. Besides, if he did succeed to make Remus his, would he leave after discovering how broken he was? Will the boy of his dreams see all his flaws and abandon him when Sirius becomes forever attached? Would he spend the rest of his life mourning a person who wasn’t even deceased, a boy which ran away with a piece of Sirius heart?

Trying not to overthink, he distracted himself by reaching out to check the time on his phone. 8:58a.m. Sirius bolted up right, scrambling with his phone so it sat in both hands. He stared at the screen fiercely, all the pixels blurring seamlessly into a muddled collage of sparks. Any moment now...

 _Ring ring_. 

An unknown number lit up in front of him, illuminating the unlit bedroom. Sirius hesitated for a moment, not wanting to seem desperate and waited for the second tone before answering. He could hear the fuzzy sounds of static and someone shifting at the other end.

”Hello?” A croaky voice said. Sirius felt shivers run down his spine at Remus’ morning voice. It was like coal before being ground into diamond, coarse and sexy, before becoming elegant and beautiful. 

“Rough night?” Sirius asked, trying to sound as casual as he could.

”Yeah, woke up at 7 to throw up in the toilet. My sick matches the green of the bowl.” Remus laughed, though it sounded slightly hoarse, probably from all the vomiting.

”I gather you got my reminder?” Sirius had set a reminder for Remus to call him, and it would send a notification to him at exactly 9:00a.m. 

”Yep, and your cig. Very funny by the way.”

”But I was right wasn’t I? I knew you would forget to call me.” Sirius quipped, feeling elated to know Remus somehow knew it was from him. Was he really that predictable?

”Yep. I mean, I was pretty much black out drunk. I feel like Connor McGregor is punching me repeatedly on the temple. Bloody hangovers...”

“Good thing I found you, eh?”

”Yeah, thanks by the way. I really appreciate you taking care of me, I had way too much. You didn’t have to but you did, and not many people would.” There was an awkward silence of Sirius analysing what Remus’ every word. ‘ _Not many people_ ’? What did that mean? Was Remus referring to someone or something? _Had someone hurt him_??   


“No need for thank yous my dear Moony, your my friend. Friends look after each other.” Suddenly, if the stars had aligned in the heavens, Sirius knew this was the moment. His stomach fluttered with butterflies and his head spun erratically. No doubt this was the moment he’d tell Remus his feelings, and it would bloom out of him like budding roses, petals the same burgundy as Remus’ secrets. “Remus, I-“

His phone started to vibrate with an incoming call.

Pulling his phone away from his ear, he saw ‘Jamie’ written across the screen. _That fucking cock-block, I’ll kill him_. Did he really need to call now, of all times?

“Yes?” Remus prompted.

“Sorry mate, I have to go. Jamie is calling me and he’ll get stroppy if I ignore him.”

”Oh,” There was muffled shuffling from Remus’ side, “That’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow at college?” Remus asked, sounding deflated. Sirius tried not to let himself believe it was because he would miss his company. 

“Yeah, I’ll see you.”

The tone sounded indicating the end of the call which was immediately interrupted by the ringing from James.

Sirius answered reluctantly, “And what could you possibly want at this time?” He grunted.

“Siriusssss,”

_Oh no_.

He sighed, “Yes Jamie?”

”Come to help with the cleanup operation? Pretty pleaseeeee?” James pleaded. Sirius could see him pouting, giving puppy dog eyes without even needing to see his best friend.

”Fine. I’ll be round in 30.” He muttered, ending the call abruptly.

Sirius, rather irritated, lifted himself off the bed and began to dress. He’d skin that son of a bitch alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cretin: a stupid person  
> Stroppy: bad tempered and argumentative


	5. sibling rivalry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this chapter is really slow, it’s kind of a filler for what’s happening next. Be patient with me!! A storm is coming ;)
> 
> CW: brief mention of negative thoughts from Remus.

_”Ah you never turned around to see the frowns  
On the jugglers and the clowns when they all did tricks for you  
You never understood that it ain't no good  
You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you”  
_

_Bob Dylan ‘Like a Rolling Stone’._

**Remus POV.**

”... And that’s why I think the Titanic didn’t actually sink, and was vaporised by aliens.”

Groaning, Remus slammed his forehead on to the surface of the desk. He’d try anything to block out Chris’ dull rambles on his outlandish conspiracy theories. Maybe the guy was one of those weirdos on Reddit who joined obscure threads about secret government plots to eventually exterminate us all. Remus (either way) didn’t actually care and hoped Chris would at least speak about the topic. Although, the rest of the class didn’t seem to mind and took the opportunity to aimlessly scroll through Instagram. Only two students really cared, and that was Remus and Lily.

Remus didn’t consider himself studious or smart (between you and me, he’s underestimating himself) for that matter. Maybe he was intelligent in some places, but not where it counted. Random facts about ancient Rome? You got it. Knowing how to pay taxes? It completely evaded him. At times, when he was interested, Remus could absorb knowledge like a sponge sucking up moisture. As a child he had been academic, striving for scholarship in many subjects and he was too naive to understand his position effected him greatly. Being a working class boy from Wales may not exactly be the easiest start to becoming a major Russells University lecturer. His capital was limited in all aspects and whether he liked it or not, Remus would be knee deep in student debt forever if he even faintly considered going for his doctorate.

And when Remus realised this, it was like someone had stomped on the sponge, oozing out the pores until it pooled on the floor.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t try. If Remus was going to wade in an ocean of anxiety caused by student finance, he’d make every bloody penny worth it. And that included getting the a level grades to get into a Russells University in the first place.

Chris’ rambles seem to float in the air, muggy and limp. They lacked dimension really. His nonsensical blether lingered in Remus’ eardrums like a mosquito buzzing past; irritable and apparent. Wanting to swat out the words, he rubbed his forehead with the tips of his fingers, massaging. If he _could_ swat out Chris’ rambles, the colour of the goop left behind would be a depressing beige colour, just like the subject at hand. It seemed simply impossible to want to do well when _this_ is what he had to endure. 

“... But of course, the government would never tell us this! They would...”

Sighing, Remus looked out the window out onto the open field of the college. It had been foggy that morning as winter approached increasingly fast, leaving the blades dewy with condensation. Sky murky grey, the clouds seemed to sag with the weight of their duty. It was going to rain, and Remus had to skate home. Marvellous. If he wasn’t already having a god-awful protracted day, maybe he wouldn’t have minded. But today, Remus felt exhausted. So fucking exhausted.

The goal posts were placed at adjacent sides of the field, their nets blowing like sails in the Atlantic winds. Remus was reminded of Wales’ rocky shores, his mother’s hand a soft anchor on his shoulder as she led him down the cove. She loved the beach. Often, Hope would take Remus swimming during half terms. He’d splash around whilst she would sit on her tartan picnic blanket, watching Remus. He vividly remembers the navy swimming trunks and the fluorescent orange of the arm bands. A specific time, Hope wore a sheer flowing skirt that went down to her ankles and a floppy straw hat over her head like a halo. Her bare feet worked their way across the golden sand and she would take Remus’ hand as he emerged from the froth of the surf. Lyall often didn’t appreciate his wife’s escapades with their son and Remus would hear them argue through the door, tears falling on his teddy.

To the left, he could see the science labs. A slightly drab building with concrete walls and paned windows, but practical nonetheless. Currently residing in the labs was what looked like the comprehensive students in their burgundy blazers with black trimming. Squinting, Remus saw they were holding spatulas over small bunsen burners, their flame dimly flicking in the rain streaked windows. He could make out a dark haired boy who was placing his spatula over his burner, tipping the contents over the contained blaze. Watching the orange turn to a muted purple, Remus saw him give a satisfied smile. Something seemed familiar in that smile, but he couldn’t place it. 

”You and Sirius seem to be getting on well.” Lily’s voice said from the seat to his right, startling Remus from his daydream.

Sitting up, Remus rubbed the heel of his palm in his eye. His nonchalance would not be interrupted by the frantic skip of his heart when Sirius’ name was mentioned. It had been two days since the Halloween party and Remus couldn’t stop thinking about lustrous dark hair and rough studded leather. Sure, Remus had completely and utterly embarrassed himself in front of the boy he fancied by calling him _pretty_ whilst drunk. Absolutely smashed. He’d woken the next day and shrivelled with the self-inflicted cringe and his pathetic nature when spewing into the toilet. Sirius didn’t seem to mind, and even set a reminder on Remus’ phone to call him the next day. Surely that meant something?

”Um, yeah? I’m getting on with Pete, James and you as well... Unless I’m wrong?”

”No. I mean,” Lily raised her eyebrow suggestively and tucked her auburn hair behind her ear, “ _really well_.” 

“I- I don’t think I understand.” Remus stammered unconvincingly.

“Remus Lupin, you know _exactly_ what I mean.”

”Wh-“

”Right!” Chris said, clapping his hands together, ”Back to the matter at hand. I am assigning presentations to work on in your pairs based off the topic we’ve been discussing these past months. These are listed on a piece of paper on my desk and you should write your names next to the chosen subject.”

Sighing with relief, and feeling like he’d just dodged a bullet, Remus began to stand to his feet when the bell chimed.

”I’ll be your partner Remus,” Lily slid a piece of paper she’d been scribbling on across the table, “Here’s my number, text me when you’re home and I’ll let you know if you can come round tonight.” She furrowed her brow briefly, “We best get some done tonight, we’ll probably be out tomorrow...”

“Probably?”

”We’ll do the Atlantic Alliance, yes? I think it’ll be easy enough.” Lily said, completely avoiding Remus’ speculation.

”Wait let’s just rewind-“

”I’ve got to dash Remus, text me like I said yeah?” And with that, Lily dashed out the wooden door, it swinging behind her. Glinting auburn hair whipped around the door frame and she was out of sight. 

Picking up his board, Remus trotted towards Chris’ desk which he now sat behind. His grey hair looked extra frizzy today, even more dandelion-like. Watery blue eyes stared at screen of the outdated computer, the reflection creating a manic glint in the whites. Knitting his brows, he scratched the stubble on his cheek before noticing Remus. 

“Ah Mr. Lupin! And which topic will you and Miss. Evans be indulging in?” Chris grinned.

”Just call me Remus, and we’ll be doing the Atlantic Alliance.” Remus replied, picking up the pen beside the form and writing down his and Lily’s names in scrawled handwriting. 

“Well Remus, I look forward to seeing your presentation.” Chris smiled normally (which made Remus more uncomfortable for some reason) and he glanced down at Remus’ board. “My son used to ride one of those.”

Remus didn’t know how to take the peculiar comment, and resorted to smiling back, hoping it didn’t seem rude not to reply. Momentarily, he saw something flicker in his tutors eyes that he’d never seen before. Nostalgia? Grief? Remus didn’t know. 

Turning on his heel with a perplexed look on his face, Remus made his way towards the door. The rest of the students were thronged around the exit, desperate for freedom on a Monday morning into the bleak autumn sun. 

Above him, small spatters of rain tumbled towards the ground, soaking the hair of everyone in it’s line of fire. Sighing, Remus placed his board of the floor with a _clatter_ and pushed off. He weaved through the clump or sixth formers and high schoolers precariously. He could feel the rain seeping through the cotton of his beanie.

Grumbling, Remus turned the corner out of the gates in the direction of his estate.

* * *

When Remus arrived home, Hope was sat at the kitchen table, mug in hand. Her Sainsbury’s uniform clashed with the interior and the shabby cupboards. Smiling to himself, Remus walked over and pressed a kiss to his mother’s cheek. She jumped in surprise and laughed. “Your face is freezing Remus!”

Remus noticed her face had more lines than usual, mostly around her mouth and between her eyebrows. The once smooth, sun-kissed skin Remus remembered from his childhood seemed to have vanished. Left behind was frown lines across his mother’s pale face, the ghost of the past that haunted them both. ”Sorry mum, you might want to take an umbrella when you leave.” He took the seat opposite her and went to pull his phone out his pocket, stopping when he felt paper brush his fingers. 

“Hey mum? Me and my friend Lily are doing a presentation in history and she might want me to go round hers to prepare. It’s alright I go isn’t it?” Secretly, Remus was glad Lily had recommended her place as he wasn’t exactly jumping at the opportunity to show off the flat. The dingy furniture and damp in the ceiling wasn’t the most appealing thing in the world. 

”Of course love, I’m so glad your making friends,” Hope smiled softly and placed a gentle hand over her son’s, “Or _more_ than friends?”

Remus scrunched his face and drew his hand away. ” _Mum!_ ”

”I know I know, I’m joking Remus. _That’s not where your interests lie,_ as you’ve told me many times.”

”Too right.” Hope chuckled at that, the wrinkles in her face dissipating momentarily. Briefly, it showed the young face he knew, the halo shining brightly above her tawny hair. 

Hope tutted and looked down at her watch, “I best be going,” She pushed herself up from her chair and walked over to the sink, emptying the dregs into it. Lifting her coat from the wooden hanger, she turned back to Remus, “Remember to lock the door behind you love. And there’s microwave meals in the fridge if you’re hungry.” She then patted her pockets for an umbrella.

”Okay mum. Bye, love you.”

”Love you too Remus, I’ll be back at 12.” When she’d closed the door behind her, Remus pulled out his phone along with Lily’s number. He typed the digits in carefully, looking back every so often at the paper in his other hand just to make sure. Naming the contact ‘ _Lily_ ’, he wrote what he hoped was a casual message.

4:34: _Hi Lily, it’s Remus. Would you still like me to come round yours? It’s okay if I can’t.”_

He contemplated, read the message once over and pressed send. Placing his phone down on the table, he waited for a reply.

Remus fixated on the cracks in his screen. He recalled it falling out his pocket whilst skating at the park, it colliding unbearably with the asphalt. Remus had been trying to do some elaborate trick which involved the ramp and skidding on the railings, predictably failing miserably. Tracing the pads of his fingers down the damage of his screen, he felt the interstices where chunks of glass had been discarded. It felt rugged on his fingertips, a sharp pain tingling down his index finger.

Today had been a long day.

Remus had been hesitant with allowing the marauders in his life. The tension in the atmosphere was palpable when he refused to join them in their small gatherings at James’ house. He felt he was a member of some exclusive club, but for some reason denied himself access. It wasn’t that Remus thought he was undeserving, (well, maybe) it was that he was apprehensive to let down his outer defences. Besides, it wasn’t even the beginning of the fortress he’d placed around himself, preparing for a battle to the death. Sometimes, he’d felt like giving up when it all got too much, and that’s why he needed his barricades. No one would ever hurt him again. No one would get close again, he couldn’t afford it. 

His mind wandered to Lily and what she’d said (or rather implied) in history. Trying to push it down on his skate home had brung the emotions back full force once he was alone.

What had she meant? What did any of it mean? Remus was really trying to be subtle around Sirius, especially when Lily was there. He’d noticed how observant the girl was, confirming his suspicions of the intrusive green eyes he’d had when they first met. Who was he kidding, Lily _knew_. Maybe it was the way his gaze lingered too long on Sirius at the table by the bike sheds after he’d finished talking. Maybe it was how Remus no longer seemed nervous when Sirius would walk to Sociology with him. Maybe it was just Sirius. It’s all Sirius. 

Was Lily trying to say Sirius _liked_ Remus? No no no no, Sirius was straight. He winks at the girls for gods sake! Flirting with everything that seemed to breathe, causing Remus’ breath to catch in his throat, his diaphragm to freeze. Those studs seemed to puncture his lungs often. Sirius flashed his pearly teeth, a lovely contrast to his tanned skin and would smile. _That fucking smile_. Remus swore he felt all his internal organs melt every time Sirius would upturn his lips. Everything would dissolve into a puddle, all his worries and stress exiting from the exhale he eventually allowed himself when Sirius looked away. 

Remus was trailing away from the matter at hand. Lily said they were _getting along_. Well, that could be totally platonic if put in the right context. It was just because Remus was desperate enough to hope for the slightest moment that Sirius could be interested. He really did feel pathetic. He scoffed. All he could do was hope, that was all he had. Longing for someone was too much for Remus to endure, and his precious conceptions of romance had dissolved almost as fast as-

_Ding._

He lifted his finger from the cracks in his screen, revealing a bead of blood just above his nail. Remus had been so caught up in his own labrinth of thoughts that he hadn’t even realised the pain from the cut. Placing his finger in his mouth and sucking, he picked up his phone from the table.

**Sirius**

4:39: _Hey Moony, you free tomorrow?_

Well that made no sense. Remus recalled Lily stating they’d be caught up tomorrow (including him)? That must mean the rest of the marauders too.

4:40: _After college yeah, I finish at half 3. Why?_

**Sirius**

4:40: _Meet us after college? It’s a monumental day._

 _What?_ He pulled the finger out his mouth with a _pop_.

4:41: _I don’t know... What’s so special about tomorrow anyway?_

**Sirius**

4:42: _It’s my birthday you nitwit, I’d like to see you on my 18th._

Well, now Remus felt incredibly rude and idiotic.

4:42: _Shit I’m sorry I didn’t know, I’ll join if you want me to?_

**Sirius**

4:43: _Meet me outside the gates at half past._

Remus quite literally threw the phone down on the kitchen table, causing another crack to form in the left corner. Sirius asked for Remus personally?! Usually, it was the marauders collectively pestering him to join them. Somehow, it seemed that something groundbreaking would come of this, and that Sirius asking Remus had opened a door to something life changing.

**Lily**

4:45: _You can come over! My parents aren’t home so it’ll be just be you, my sister and I. She won’t bother us if I tell her to bugger off. She’ll probably go out with Vernon anyway. Here’s my address btw:_

4:45: _That’s actually kinda close, I’ll be there in 10._

Lifting himself from the table, Remus walked across the bleached floorboards to the front door. His board was propped up in its usual place. Grabbing it, he made his way out the door.

* * *

Lily’s house was average. It wasn’t breathtakingly ginormous like James’, just the usual semi-detached council house. The patch of greenery under the window was well kept and the hedges lining the perimeter were trimmed neatly. The bricks were faded with age but emanated upper working class accidentally. Grey curtains were parted with frilly lace drapes swung from the pole, making Remus assume her family was traditional. Below on the ledge, Remus could make out picture frames facing away from the window. In the driveway was a second-hand Volkswagen Corsa in a deep navy that reflected the evening sunlight enthusiastically.

Remus walked up to the door and pressed the small doorbell to the left. A muffled shout from an unknown voice came from beyond the door, and Remus gathered it was Lily’s sister. There was another shout accompanied with patting of feet down a staircase before the door flung open to reveal the girl herself. 

“Remus!” Lily greeted, her thin red lips parting in a smile.

”Hi Lily.” Remus replied, looking down and returning the smile.

The red-headed girl stepped aside to allow Remus entrance, ”Come, come come!” She beckoned.

The hallway more or less gave off the same atmosphere, with cream walls and wooden framed photos lining them. They seemed to go chronologically, working their way up to present day. Remus noticed about half way down the corridor, Lily and what he presumed was her sister no longer appeared in the same photo together. Crimson carpet led the way to the living room, a homely space with two grey corduroy couches, one of which seemed to be occupied. 

The girl stared at the TV which sat on a oak unit in the alcove to the right of the fire. What appeared to be Hollyoaks was showing. Lily’s sister had dirty blonde hair that was sleekly tucked back into a ponytail with a dark hair band. Her face was slimmer than Lily’s, sharp and defensive compared to the round and mellow face Remus knew. Eyebrows dark with lathered pomade and large golden hoops stood out like beacons to him. _Oh, she’s like that is she._

She wore a black fitted dress that stopped just above her knees, paired with strappy matching heels. Her face appeared indifferent yet resentful simultaneously, like someone had placed spoiled milk under her nose eternally. She was yet to notice the unfamiliar face that stood in the doorway with her sister.

”Tuny! This is Remus, he’s helping me with our history presentation so if you could leave us undisturbed it would be much appreciated.” Lily looked up to Remus, “Remus would you like anyth-“

”I don’t want to hear any noise like I usually hear when you have that black lad over,” ‘ _Tuny_ ’ looked Remus up and down, “didn’t know you had another toy boy.” Her voice was nasally, like someone had stuffed a kazoo up her nose.

Lily’s face seemed to rush with blood as it turned deep crimson, matching the carpet and her hair. The freckles were like embers in a dying heat of a campfire. She scowled at her sister with malice and crossed her arms across her chest. “You’re going out with Vernon soon anyway, I was just letting you know. And Remus is not my _toy boy_ as much as you wish he was to have leverage on me.” Remus just gaped at them both, feeling like he’d intruded something personal between siblings.

“I’m a queer actually.”

It was now the sisters’ turn to gape. One with admiration, the other with confusion mingled with disgust (or maybe that was just her normal expression). Petunia’s mouth seemed to dumbly open and close like a goldfish in water, an embarrassed blush noticeable on her cheeks. Outside, there was a faint beeping noise.

”That’s me.” Petunia declared to the room, stalking towards the doorway where the two of them stood. Remus instinctively manoeuvred to the side to allow her through. Aggressively, she bumped into Lily’s shoulder and shot a disapproving look at Remus before opening the front door and slamming it behind her, rattling the photos on their nails.

“Well.” Remus said, unsure where to take things after such a conversation.

”Well, right. Okay. Come on.” Lily turned on her heel and walked towards the staircase, holding herself up on the banister. “My parents are out on a date for the night, they took a taxi so that’s why the car is still in the drive.”

Now, that was a surprise to Remus. Lily seemed to not even pay second thought to her newly acquired knowledge of his sexual preference. She just carried on up the staircase, chatting mostly to herself before they reached the doorway to her bedroom. 

“Um, Lily? Are you not gon-“

Lily wheeled around to look Remus in the eyes, emerald meeting amber, “Remus, it’s okay. None of us care that you’re gay.”

”I know, that’s just not the way I wanted to tell you.”

She smiled sympathetically, “I understand. But it’s seriously okay, one of us is gay anyway.”

”Peter?” Remus propositioned idiotically.

”No!” She slapped his arm lightly, “Sirius you idiot! I thought my hinting would be enough for you to figure it out!” 

_Oh._

“Sirius? No, you see him in college! All winking at the girls and being the pretentious prick he is!”

”Oh I know, he’s just naturally a flirt,” Lily rolled her eyes fondly, “We love him for it though. Honestly, he seems rather fond of you, even if he doesn’t say it directly.”

Finally, Lily opened the door to her room to reveal the cutest space Remus thought he’d ever beheld. The walls were painted a snowy white, covered in colourful bordered polaroid photos. Fairy lights tangled their way through various sized bookshelves stuffed with thick-paged books. Mostly they were neatly filed, but numerous smaller books were stacked on top of the rows. Terrariums with vine plants hung from the ceiling in one of the corners, tumbling towards a colour coordinated Ikea desk that had multiple draws down it’s side with a vanity mirror. The room was cast in a warm glow from the soft hue of the lights. The bed looked extremely welcoming, a floral print of various flowers trailing along the spread. Remus thought he’d just walked into an _Urban Outfitters_ shoot. 

“Woah...” He awed as he walked gingerly into the room. He now noticed various succulents perched on her window ledge in pots of various sizes and shapes. 

“Is that a good _woah_? I tried to tidy quickly for you, I didn’t know you’d be coming round until Chris mentioned-“

”It’s wonderful Lily.” Remus chimed in, interrupting her insecure rambling. He walked over to inspect the many polaroids housing the walls. Immediately, Remus was drawn to that recognisable smirk that belonged to Sirius. An arm around Lily and James at each of his sides, he grinned up and Remus. The photo seemed to be taken in someone’s garden during the summer, maybe this year’s. An orange camera flare was in the centre, and a stubborn vignette was around the edge. Remus smiled back at past-Sirius.

”That was this summer, before you came,” Lily said, appearing at Remus side and answering his unasked question. It was scary how she could do that. “We were having a garden party at James’.” She sighed wistfully, her gaze fixed on the bespectacled boy in the photo. 

“We best get started.”

”Yes!” She clapped her hands, “Yes, let’s-“ Stumbling towards her desk, the freckled girl fumbled with some papers before carrying them over to her bed. 

Remus followed her, perching himself at the foot near the bedposts. He pulled his bag off his shoulders and placed his board on his knee, “Where...?”

”Just put it on the floor, I don’t mind.” Remus obliged, resting it on the floor and bending his knees to sit cross-legged. 

“Right! So here...”

* * *

By the time Remus had made it home, it was around 9pm and he was thoroughly exhausted. His mum was still working her shift and so he reached for the fridge to pull out the microwave meal.

Leaning against the counter, he listening to the repetitive hum of the microwave as the container spun slowly. He fixedly gazed at their flickering light bulb above the kitchen table before it beeped signalling the food’s completion, startling Remus as it did so. 

Remus ate hastily, not fully clearing the plate and dumped it in the sink along with his mum’s mug from earlier, before wandering to his bedroom.

Something about him couldn’t seem to keep his room tidy. Discarded jeans and flannels lay in heaps on the floorboards. At least now he’d fully unpacked and gratefully thrown out the moving boxes. His bed remained unmade permanently, a tangle of bedsheets and pillows. 

Sighing, Remus fell face first into the mattress. Not bothering to remove his clothes, he closed his eyes with sleepiness.

_Sirius liked guys._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact about Chris: he’s inspired by my actual sociology teacher who is, let’s say, eccentric. Loves his corduroy blazers and acts like he’s done several lines before he turns up.
> 
> Russell Group: an elite group of universities in the UK.  
> Atlantic Alliance: The North Atlantic Treaty Organization, also called the North Atlantic Alliance, is an intergovernmental military alliance between 29 North American and European countries.  
> Sainsbury’s: a supermarket chain in the UK.


	6. popcorn disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this took so long! things have been quite intense recently but because school has cut out due to reasons I’m sure you all know, I’ve decided to finally get my head down and finish this chapter. I’m also struggling with the tense to write this story in, so please be patient if you notice it switching throughout. Hope you enjoy!

**Sirius POV.**

Sirius waited outside the college gates, bronze beams of sun glistening on the glossy black paint of his motorbike. The smell of oil and the roar of the engine combatted the smooth exterior, feisty horsepower and thick tyres. Chill from the winter breeze swept through Sirius, from the tip of his boots to the crown of his head. It was quiet, most of the students still in class as Remus had the liberty of finishing early on Tuesdays. 

Today is Sirius’ 18th birthday. Since a young age, he’d never expected much for the annual event, his mother disregarding him when he wasn’t of use, his father never being around. Every year, him and Regulus would make each other birthday gifts, mainly created from sticks from the backyard or cards folded from yellowing paper they stole from their father’s study. He dreaded it sometimes, the coming-of-age that dictated what he could and couldn’t do. Inheriting the family fortune did have its perks though, but Sirius’ priorities lay elsewhere - with the Marauders and Remus. No amount of money could ever weigh out the priceless relationship he had with his friends. Besides, he’ll soon be out of town and into the enigmatic and exciting place that is university (with James, hopefully). 

In the distance, the college bell chimed, signalling the end of period. A dozen students began to exit the large oak doors, making a move towards the gates where Sirius stood. One girl, who was generously caked in makeup, gave him a wink as she passed, exaggerating the wiggle of her hips. She had an abundance of fake tan, her hands practically green with cosmetics, long neon fuchsia acrylics clenched on her hips. Sirius just smiled plainly, trying not to look inherently interested, trying to convey that he was in fact gay. Maybe he should just stroll around college with a large sign above his head saying ‘ _I’m gay_ ’ to wade off all the interested females. 

Then, Sirius spotted a slither of honey curls amongst the small crowd thronging from the doors. 

Remus was there, in all his golden glory. Thin frame in ripped skinny jeans, glowing amber eyes and a red plaid flannel that shot out like a beacon to Sirius. His freckles looked like constellations, tiny stars upon his rosy-cheeked face. Sirius imagined tracing them with his fingers. Iridescent silver on Remus’ bottom lip was glinting in the low rays from the sky, kicking Sirius’ heart into frantic beats. He’d never get over that bloody ring threaded through the other boy’s lip. Hopefully, one day, Sirius will be able to feel it on his mouth.

Remus stood in the centre of the courtyard, slowly turning his head, standing up on his tippy toes to look over the plethora of heads ( _god he is fucking adorable_ ). He had his tawny eyebrows drawn together, worrying at the lip ring, tugging it between his teeth. Sirius lounged against his bike, casting a cool gaze across the crowd, elbows against the seat, legs crossed. Placing his fingers in his mouth, he took a deep breath and whistled, the sound echoing through the yard. Remus snapped his head in his direction and if Sirius thought this boy couldn’t glow any brighter, Remus’ practically lit up, a large grin plastered across his freckled face. He began to make his way through the small crowd, stumbling slightly and reaching Sirius on the other side. 

“Hey.” They both said in unison. Remus chuckled, looking down at his feet. 

“Happy birthday.” He said, his cheeks turning a deeper pink than they usually were. His curls flopped haphazardly in front of his eyes, blocking Sirius from seeing his face. Twisting his foot on the floor, Remus glanced back up, and then to the motorbike.

”Thanks M-“

”Is that yours?” Remus questioned, stepping to the side to get a better look, and then edging away nervously.

”Hey hey, it doesn’t bite.”

“Are we riding on it?”

“Of course we are, it’s only a present from myself to myself. Besides, you trust me don’t you?”

”Yeah but-“

”Come on then! Welcome aboard HM Black.” Sirius joked, throwing a leg over the seat and straddling the bike. “I bought two helmets especially.”

”Such a lovely name, how very original.” Remus deadpanned, taking the helmet Sirius offered out to him. “How the hell do I get on this thing?”

”Just lift your leg over- yeah that’s it”

Eventually, Remus managed to somehow situate himself on the seat behind Sirius, his chest pressed against his back. He could feel Remus shivering slightly through his t-shirt. Sirius didn’t blame him, it was ruthlessly cold, winter introducing itself with cruel enthusiasm. “Ready?” Sirius said, voice muffled in his helmet. Remus nodded hesitantly, a tuft of curls peaking out from under the visor. Snapping his shut, Sirius kicked the stand and turned the keys, kickstarting the engine. 

They wove through the streets, a languid journey to the Potter house. Sirius wasn’t particularly keen on spending his birthday at his own home, as the Potters had an endless supply of love that they rained down on everyone they encountered. Remus’ arms were round his waist, clinging tightly as if they’d crash any minute. That very well could happen, but he tried not to think about the ambiguity of death at this moment. Whipping round the corner onto James’ estate, the thrum of the engine reverberating through them, he felt connected to Remus - a cosmic pull of their souls. They felt one, a thought so ridiculously soppy that Sirius unconsciously revved the bike, making Remus squeeze tighter. 

He pulled up outside the large red-bricked house, stopping the bike and kicking the stand. “You okay?” He asked.

”Ha... Yeah.” Remus said, his voice slightly shaken. That just seemed so un-Remus of him, as he always sounded so sure of himself. Best not to dwell, he thought.

“Great!” Sirius exclaimed, hopping off the bike and pulling his head out the helmet, his hair immaculately falling back into it’s lustrous waves. Remus got off a moment later, skinny legs slightly wobbly. Sirius reached over and slowly lifted the visor on Remus’ helmet, “There you are.”

”Here I am.” Remus sighed, sounding slightly out of breath, looking deep into his eyes. Something seemed to pass between them briefly, a small twinkle in the flecks of the golden yellow in Remus’ eyes. He really was stunning, in an awkward, lanky sort of way. Then, he pulled his own helmet off, and his hair was mused beyond recognition, curls static and bouncing in frizzy coils in every direction. 

“Is that what it normally looks like?!” Sirius asked, secretly delighted.

Remus arched an eyebrow, and lifted the helmet to look at his reflection in the visor, using it as a mirror. “Oh, it looks like my sex hair.” He remarked casually. _Ah, there’s the witty Remus I know_. 

Sirius straightened slightly, clearing his throat and trying not to look too pleased with seeing Remus’ ‘sex hair’. Okay, maybe it wasn’t _actually_ , but it was close enough to get Sirius’ brain churning out not-so-Christian images of Remus. He nodded towards the house, “Let’s head in.”

Strutting down the gravel, he hears the crunch of Remus following slowly behind him, and Sirius imagines him smirking at the back of his head. _You don’t know anything about him, stop assuming so much_. He doesn’t even bother knocking, and just swings open the thickly glossed front door, sending it slamming into the wall. It adorned a homemade banner James supposedly made, a crude drawing next to the words ‘Happy Birthday you wanker!’. “Honey, I’m home!” He singsonged into the large foyer. 

“This place looks so different from the last time I saw it.”

”That’s probably because you were too drunk to take in the dimensions, Moony.”

”Shut up.” Remus said, an evident smile in his voice. Sirius liked his voice, slightly nasally with an intricate Gaelic lilt that seemed so thoroughly bred, he couldn’t argue with its authenticity. He also had a slight lisp, but that might be because of the lip ring. Nevertheless, Sirius found it endearing. 

“IT’S THE BIRTHDAY BOY!” James’ voice echoed from the living room, and moment later he was skidding across the floor boards in his socks round the corner, reminding Sirius terribly of that one scene in ‘ _The Breakfast Club_ ’. If James would be anyone from that movie he’d be Andrew, Sirius thought, as he gave his brother a manly hug. “Could hear you coming down the bloody road mate! So jealous Remus got the first ride, we’ve got to go on it soon!”

”Mate, you already know I’ll be taking you to college everyday until you turn 18, and then you can take that fabulous Mustang of yours.” He winked, nudging James with his elbow. 

“Remus!” James shouted in his never dissipating cheerful demeanour, patting him on the back as they began to make their way down the hallway and into the sitting room, “How’s the board treatin’ ya?”

”Great, yeah.” He still had it between his backpack, and pulled it off as he sat on the large unoccupied leather sofa. “Maybe I’ll take you up on those lessons you’ve been pestering me about.” James nodded enthusiastically as he situated himself between Lily and Peter, Sirius sat next to Remus. There was a chime of ‘hellos’ for Remus.

“‘Ello.” Sirius just about deciphered from Peter, as his mouth was stuffed to the brim with popcorn. In fact, there was a lot of popcorn on the coffee table in a large bowl, along with crates of cider and sticky sour gummy sweets.

”Holy shit, this is way too much Jamie.”

”Nonsense!” Lily scolded, waving her hand dismissively in his direction, “Besides, it’s not like any of it will go to waste.” She shot a not so subtle sideways glance at Peter. Sirius chuckled, kicking off his heavy boots and throwing his jacket over the arm of the couch. Remus next to him made a small strangled sort of noise, and he whipped his head round quickly.

”Alright Moony?” Now that he’s looking, he appeared to be quite pale, perched on the very end of the cushion, staring fixedly over Lily’s head to a space on the wooden floor. “Moony?”

Remus starts, jumping probably about a foot, and he blinks a couple of times, eyes glassy as he stared at Sirius. He cocks his head to the side, like he’s trying to remember something. A single curls falls in front of his eye, and he tucks it away efficiently. _This boy will_ _kill me one day_. “Yeah... Yeah I’m okay, just worn out from college.”

Sirius couldn’t argue with that.

”So, what films are we watching?” James asked and he lifts to rest his feet on the coffee table, cracking open a can of Dark Fruits. 

”James get your disgusting feet away from the food, it can’t be very hygienic-“

”My Lily-flower, you know more than anyone how filthy I am.” That seemed to shut her up, her face turning from pale and freckled to bright red. 

Remus, still, was perched at the very lip of the sofa, anxiously jiggling his knee when the Netflix loading sound came from the large speakers. Tentatively, Sirius touched his shoulder lightly, as if it was just the wind brushing past his neck. Remus flinches minutely, and his large amber eyes fix on Sirius’ face once again. Something definitely isn’t right. He seemed fine outside, if not a little shaken from the bike, but Sirius was sure many people would be. It wasn’t exactly pleasant for most. Slowly, he pressed Remus’ boney shoulder back onto the couch cushion, allowing him to sag slightly back into the leather, trying to reassure him. Remus gave a grateful smile and accepted a can offered to him from Peter. Sirius precariously placed his arm across the back of the seat, inches from Remus’ head. He could feel the warmth of his skin, his fingers millimetres away from the wisps of hair at the nape of Remus’ neck. _Was anything about this boy not adorable?_ And then Remus was blushing, and that made Sirius’ heart expand even more, something comforting blooming in his chest. 

Lily had begun scrolling idly through their options as they contemplated several films. 

“What about Top Gun?!” James suggested a little too enthusiastically, leaning forward in his chair and gesturing dramatically towards the screen, borderline manic. The other marauders screw up their faces, a chorus of ‘nahhh’ as they continue their benign searching.

“Um, what about Jurassic Park?”

Sirius snorted, “No way, Pete.” 

“Why? What’s wrong with it?” He looks a little hurt, if anything.

”Seen it too many times, we need a classic, but not-“ At that moment, Sirius sees a flash of pink and a streak of blonde on the screen. “SCROLL BACK UP, SCROLL BACK UP!”

”Woah woah, calm down there Black.” Lily flicks her wrist and the menu rolls back to the previous row. He sees it again, pink, a heart with a blonde girl pressing a phone to her ear. 

“There!”

There’s a chuckle from next to Sirius, and he turns to see Remus with his nose scrunched, another thing that gets Sirius’ heart beating faster. “Really? You want to watch _Clueless_?”

“Uh, I’ll have you know that it is a cinematic masterpiece.” He informs him. “Alicia Silverstone is elite and besides, young Paul Rudd is easy on the eyes.”

Remus’ cheeks colour, and he breaks eye contact by looking down down to his can, fumbling with the tab. “Wouldn’t pin you as a romcom kinda guy.” He murmured. Sirius is definitely a romcom kinda guy, from 10 Things I Hate About You, to The Proposal.

”Well, what can I say.” Sirius shrugged, “I’m unpredictable.”

”You only like it because you relate to Cher on a personal level, Pads.” James teased.

” _Pads_?”

”A term of endearment, my dear Moony.” Sirius beamed, before turning to a pout. “And no I do not! She’s too much of a drama queen.”

”Case and point, mate.”

Sirius gives a gruff grunt as Remus begins to chuckle under his breath, and then seems to lose control completely, breaking into uncontrollable fits of giggles. Sirius just stares, unabashed, appreciatively. He watches those lips - those pink lips that look so soft compared to the hard metal threaded through them. He sighs wistfully. He must look like a right soppy prick.

James clears his throat from across the room, and Sirius glanced over to see him grinning knowingly, his eyebrow quirked accusatorially. ‘ _Whipped_ ’ he mouthed.

Sirius furrows his brows and mouths ‘ _w_ _anker_ ’ in return, sticking his nose in the air. 

James, in return, sarcastically cupped his hand around his ear, in a gesture that said ‘I can’t hear you’, which just annoyed Sirius even more. 

Peter, god bless him, threw his head back and forth between the two of them like a game of ping pong, completely oblivious as the film began. 

* * *

They watched Clueless with only one mild interval for a popcorn fight, and by the time the film had ended, the bowl was empty, most of the contents on the floor. Remus’ body language had now fully relaxed, moulding into the sofa like putty as Sirius stole subtle glances at him. He’d come to learn that Remus was generally a tense person, and moments like these were worth treasuring.

Watching the credits roll, James clapped his hands together loudly, rubbing them together like some sort of primary school teacher. He sprung to his feet. “Right! I’m gonna go get some more popcorn!” He said cheerfully, staring at Sirius, eyes saucer-like behind his glasses. _What the fuck?_

He began making his way across the lounge, not breaking eye contact with Sirius. This wasn’t exactly a great strategy, as he stubbed his pinky toe on the leg of the coffee table, letting out a stream of curse words in its painful wake. Sirius took this as his cue to extract himself from the sofa. He mumbled something about helping James and followed his best friend into the kitchen.

James was now taking a bag of microwaveable popcorn out of the cardboard box, viewing it with mild confusion. Sirius wondered vaguely how James would survive at uni.

”Facing up, mate.” Sirius supplied.

”Oh... Oh, yeah!”

Sirius chuckled as James shoved the brown bag into the microwave, pressing several buttons before soft humming filled the room.

”Well?” Sirius asked. “What do you want?”

James was now leaning against the counter with his back to the microwave, observing him with amusement. “You know what.” Popping kernels filled the dramatic pause James was obviously holding for suspense. “You’re absolutely, positively smitten.”

”What?”

”I was right, wasn’t I?” James probed. “Don’t try lie to me Black, I know you better than you know yourself.” 

“I don’t- We aren’t-“ Sirius tried lamely. “We’re just friends! Yes - just friends.” He gave a weak smile as if to prove his genuineness.

”Aha!” James exclaimed. “You knew exactly what I was talking about! You’ve proved my point, mate. Don’t try dodge it now, you’ve practically admitted you like him.”

Sirius just sighed, eyes transfixed on the rotation of the microwave, the pops becoming more sparse as the time went on.

”Have you tried, I don’t know, asking him out?”

”What? Are you mental?” Sirius replied, incredulously. “Have you finally lost it?”

“Look mate,” James said, using his Big Boy Voice that sounded scarily like Mrs Potter. “You say you’re just friends, and I know you are. But Sirius, that’s all it’s gonna be if you don’t at least try. Since when has Sirius Black, strapping young bachelor, been hesitant when pursuing one of his conquests?”

”Remus is not a ‘conquest’!”

James lifted his hands up in mock surrender, a wry smile of his face. “I know, I know.” He placated. He looked thoughtful before adding, “He flirts with you, you know.”

”Jamie I love you, and I appreciate it, but don’t do that shit.”

”Do what?”

”Give me hope!” He made a strangled frustrated noise, flapping his arms around like a demented fly. “I’ve been trying Jay, I really have. I try flirt with him, but when I’m around him I turn into a conceited dick head.” He grimaced, sniffing the air. “Is that...?”

In the distance, the loud ringing of the fire alarm could be heard.

All chaos broke loose.

Realisation dawned on James’ face a little too late as he whipped around, yanking open the microwaves door, a stream of smoke welling from within. James spluttered, pulling the bag out between pinched fingers, a look of distaste across his features. “AAAA!” He squealed over the wail of the alarm, dropping it to the floor as it evidently burnt his stupid fingers.

Sirius, welling up with panic, ran over to the counter, making quick work of the cold tap. “Put them under here!”

James - who was now in turn looking like a demented fly as he flapped his arms - stumbled over towards the sink to submerge his injured fingers under the stream. “Shit.” 

The ringing of the alarm came to a stop, Lily probably using a broom to pacify it’s rage. “Alright mate?” Sirius asked.

”That was like, the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me.” James winced, cradling his fingers under the tap.

“And you call me the drama queen...” Sirius murmured, but was drowned out by the high pitched screech that was the wrath of Lily Evans.

”Potter!” She bellowed, stalking into the kitchen. “What the hell is going on?! You almost sent us all into cardiac-“ She stopped in her tracks when she saw James practically sobbing over the draining board. _Oh, what a pathetic little man_.

“Oh my god! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do you need first-aid?” She worried, marching forwards. Trust Lily to take control of any situation, no matter how ridiculous it is. “Potter, you bloody idiot.” She sighed, now examining James’ blistered fingers.

”It’s not that bad.” James sniffed, clearly trying to restore his dignity.

”Yeah, took it like a real man.” Sirius sniggered. “Most masculine squeal I’ve ever heard.”

”Put a cork in it, Black.”

Lily assisted James to the island, sitting him down on one of the stools before gathering the contents of the Potter’s medicine cabinet. Several minutes and an abundance of _Savlon_ later, James’ fore and index finger were wrapped in gauze, the boy still cradling them like a baby. “Thank you, my Lily-flower.” James said, looking adoringly at Lily.

”Whatever, Potter.” Lily sighed, although she seemed to reciprocate James’ soppy expression as they both gazed into each other’s eyes. 

Sirius tutted, making his way from where he’d been leaning on the counter to the door into the living room. Just as he was about to pass through the frame, James addressed him.

”Give it a try Padfoot, you know what I said.”

Sirius looked over his shoulder at James, his best mate’s face set in brotherly determination, and then to the abandoned popcorn bag on the floor.

 _Yeah_ , he thought. _I think I will_.

* * *

The rest of the night went unperturbed by the brief disruption, and Lily had rectified another bowl of popcorn with her excellent knowledge of household appliances. They’d made it through another two films (Now You See Me and Absolutely Everything, two very different movies, but equally brilliant nonetheless).

The credits were again rolling for the third time that night, and everyone was relatively sombre. Lily had her head resting in James’ lap, her eyes fluttering shut as he carded his uninjured fingers through her auburn hair. They both looked so happy; a serenity that Sirius knew he probably would never achieve. Sure, Sirius could get a quick shag - a one night stand with a twink in lower sixth. It was a piece of cake. That hadn’t happened in a long time, though. Not since he’d met Remus. He carried on gazing longingly at the couple.

It was mildly infuriating. Sirius wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted, always having everything handed to him on a plate when he was younger. He wouldn’t be shocked to learn that he’d been born with a silver spoon in his gob. Seeing Lily and James being so happy, sliding together like it was completely meant to be, had envy surging through Sirius’ veins. Yes, this was definitely unfair. It’s hard to not be when all he’s ever wanted was for someone to be affectionate with him, and he got everything else but that. And that’s why he used to sleep around, as if he was searching for it, in any form he could. It was the his mother’s fault. It was his default excuse.

Remus let out a muffled yawn to his side, and only then does he realise how late it probably is. Suddenly, he felt a soft weight on his shoulder, and he realised - with complete panic - that Remus was leaning his head there. His cheek is mushed and his face is smooth from the tentative smile or the sarcastic smirk that usually mar it. Small puffs of air flip his curls, his chapped lips parted as he breathes evenly. The freckles across the bridge of his nose seem lighter when he sleeps, almost as if everything about Remus becomes less calculated when he’s like this; unguarded. He also notes how Remus’ eyelashes are lighter at the tips, the same colour as his golden tawny hair. Sirius is suddenly struck with complete adoration that he seems frozen, and he’s sure he probably has hearts in his eyes. How could someone be so gorgeous? It’d been two months now since he’d known Remus, and everyday only seemed to get brighter whenever he would step through the college doors. 

Panic now returning, he jerked his head towards his saviours.

Peter was currently dead to the world, his head thrown back with his body slumped into the sofa. He was drooling, slobber all down his cheek. Why was Peter always salivating? He screwed his face up in disgust, and turned to the more reliable option.

James was already looking at him, still gently carding his fingers through Lily’s long hair. He gave an affirmative smile in his friend’s direction, nodding his encouragement. Sirius swallowed. 

Cautiously, as if approaching a unpredictable animal, Sirius lifted his arm, hovering it above Remus’ shoulders. He looked back to James, who was know now making a half-arsed attempt at waking Lily by poking her shoulder. Sucking in a breath, Sirius let his arm drop slowly around Remus’ small frame. He was now snug against Sirius’ side; and he seemed to fit perfectly. It was like the puzzle pieces he felt sliding into place those months ago finally made sense. 

Remus abruptly jerked away like the touch had burnt him. His head snapped up to Sirius, and his face coloured visibly. Where his cheek had been resting on Sirius’ shoulder, it was crinkled with the lines of his t-shirt. Scrubbing a hand roughly over his face, Remus let his arm drop fruitlessly to his side. “Sorry... I’m just so tired. I think the cider has made me sleepy.” 

Sirius notes how puffy his eyes are, and silently nodded his head, agreeing. “Would you like me to take you home? It is pretty late.” He takes his phone out his pocket, and the time read 12:25am. 

“I mean... It is quite late, and I didn’t tell my mum I’d be out this long...”

”It’s fine Moony, we’re all knackered to be honest.” He pats Remus on the head, and it comes off as patronising instead of playful, which he instantly regrets. “Come on love, let’s go.”

They get to their feet, and Sirius attempts one last hopeful look to James, who smirks and gives him a wink. _Helpful_. He winks back anyway, knowing Lily is staying the night and James is an absolute sex pest. 

They head for the door, Remus dragging his feet as if the mere effort of keeping up right was costing him all his energy. They get onto the bike, and Sirius is momentarily petrified of Remus falling asleep and falling off mid-journey. 

“Stay awake while we ride, alright? Don’t want you falling off.” He says softly as he placed the helmet on Remus’ head. He nods.

Sirius take it slow, the mellow rumble of the bike the only sound in the witching hour. The sky is completely clear, a deep shade of navy canopied above their heads. Stars twinkle their constellations, and they fill Sirius with courage, affirming him that _it’ll be alright_. He can feel Remus’ hold round his waist, and it’s so peaceful that he probably could cry. James’ words echo around his head along with the valour of the lights in the sky, and he realises his best friend is right. 

_“You say you’re just friends, and I know you are. But Sirius, that’s all it’s gonna be if you don’t at least try...”_

They reach the estate about half an hour later, the bike coming to a gentle stop. He practically lifts Remus off the bike - much to the other boy’s protests - and they walk in companionable silence until they reach the battered door.

Remus goes through the motions, saying a goodbye and a ‘thanks for the ride’, moving towards the door when he stills, the key mid-turn. 

“I had a really nice time tonight, Sirius.”

And Sirius heart flutters in his chest, because honestly he one-hundred percent agrees. He sucks in a breath. “Yeah, so did I.”

He can’t see Remus’ face, but he’s assuming there is that tentative smile that seems to hold all of Remus’ crimson secrets. _You don’t know me at all_.

And fuck it, Sirius thinks, what a bachelor he would be if he didn’t do fucking _something_. 

“I need to tell you something.”

Sirius can actually see Remus’ ears prick at the statement, and he turns on the balls of his feet, a curious look on his face. “Sure?” It’s so timid and ridiculously cute that Sirius feels himself flush, and he’s momentarily lost for words. 

He takes a deep breath, gaze fixed on the chips in the paint behind Remus. It’s like a metaphor for how deeply he feels things for the boy in front of him, the chasms between cracking colours carving into his chest. 

“I- Um- I don’t really know how to-“ He throws his hands into the air, tensing his fingers in exasperation. “I really don’t know how to say this.”

Remus’ look of confusion increased tenfold, and he walks over, placing his scarred hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “I’m here for you Sirius, but if it makes you uncomfortable to-“

”I like you, okay?!” Sirius yells, and it comes across slightly manic. “I really like you and I know I’ve not known you for long but-“

”You... You like me?” Remus asks, and his face is completely blank and Sirius is suddenly terrified because _oh god this is so stupid of him_. Remus is completely unreadable and Sirius can see the ruins of their friendship crumbling before his very eyes. His mind flickers back to his fantasy of kissing Remus outside this door and he feels incredibly naive because _of course_ Remus doesn’t like him, he’s too good for Sirius. He realises he hasn’t said anything and has just been staring into the amber eyes that haunt his dreams along with every waking moment and his insides are screaming at him to do _something_.

So he turns into a stuttering mess, trying and failing to explain this sudden confession of his affection. He feels his cheeks going red in embarrassment and understands what authors mean when they want the ground to swallow them whole. His bravado is strangely nonexistent. Does Remus realise what he does to him?

“Do you see what you do to me Remus?” He voices. “You turn me into a blubbering mess.”

And Remus just smiles his lovely smile. It may be pitiful, but Sirius is in such disarray he doesn’t even take the time to notice and then Remus’ dainty hand is no longer on his shoulder and is now cupping his cheek like it’s the most precious diamond there ever was. His heart stops thudding heavily in his chest and he can suddenly feel it in his cheek where Remus’ palm meets it, every other nerve seemingly becoming trapped and it’s the only sensation he can feel. Remus’ face is also flushed and it might be the cold but yet again Sirius cannot think straight and his whole being is focused on the sensation of their skin touching. Remus tucks a strand of Sirius’ hair behind his ear, it momentarily becoming tangled in the countless rings there. And in a moment of insanity, Sirius thinks Remus is going to kiss him.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

But then they other boys is pulling away, mumbling something under his breath, the spell completely broken. Sirius deflates, bringing a hand to his forehead and pushing his excuse of a fringe away from his eyes. It only dawns on him then that Remus had actually said something. “Sorry? I didn’t hear you.”

”I like you too.” Remus whispers, and Sirius had to strain his ears to hear it. He turns, and Sirius can now definitely say that his cheeks aren’t flushed from the cold. He gives another one of his shy smiles before turning the key all the way. And with a whip of golden curls, Remus was behind the door now separating them.

Sirius was briefly catatonic, unable to move with paralysing shock. 

He could not believe his luck.

He broke out his stupor, and with great charisma, leaped into the night. Elation filled every cell in his body and he punched the air, his brain chanting over and over:

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!


End file.
